My brain says I have to keep busy at something all the time. I grew up being told that ‘Cleanliness is Godliness’ mentality. I was a workaholic until I could no longer keep that kind of energy up. Now, I can get my morning chores done and I expend all my energy by 10 am. Then I have to quit and take a rest.
My doctor asked me if I kept a list of the things I wanted to accomplish. I told him I had a list in my head. He looked in my file and said IO was diagnosed, at some time, with ADHD and mild OCD. I thought for a minute and realized I did have aspects of ADHD. I had to think longer about the ICD and realize that, when I was younger, maybe most of my life, I did have some OCD. A crazy example is that, when I go to bingo, I have to have my daubers and pen and tape all perfectly lined up. I will also straight papers up until they are perfectly aligned. I remember being at university with the four littlest kids and I had been color doing each child’s possessions, their laundry went in a basket, each child had a different color for clothes, each had their own color sheets, etc. I worked so hard at doing classes, taking them to day cares, having the hosue spotless before we left in the mornings. At evening, I picked p the kids, let them have playtime while I fixed dinner, had them in their jammies and ready for bed at 7 pm so I could do my class papers, study, etc until I was able to go to bed. Organization was imperative to me because I had to keep ahead of everything. I lost a great deal of weight and began to look like a skeleton. I had to let some things go and not feel guilty that some things were not done. It was traumatic to me not to do everything on my list... and paring down my list. The more stress, the harder I worked. I was wearing myself out. I had to learn to rest and simply get done what was absolutely necessary. This ADHD reaction to life’s stressors would be the end of me if I did not learn to rest and not to use work as a release. I have beaten down the Cleanliness is next to Godliness’ mentality, but I still work like a dervish, but for shorter spurts of time. I have had to learn to rest.
Not only have I had to learn to rest… I have had to figure out how to not feel guilty when I did. I worked harder in the arly hours of the day sao I could feel productive and not feel lazy for resting. I have not gotten over that yet. I stil get up in the middle of night and do some work, then I rest, then back up ion about an hour and that is the official beginning of my day. I recognize that this ‘busy-ness’ is part of me worrying that someone might come and see the house unkept. My body is having a hard time finding rest. Not resting means that I will not have the energy if something pops up that needs my attention. Also, my body does not have time to heal itself. I am not accepting my aging body well. I want to drive it like I always did. And so, the old voice in my head gives me fits for not doing enough.
We are not wired to see productiveness as work too. Learning to relax is an art. Tunning in overdrive sometimes feels really exhilarating. It feels good.. it seriously feels good, right to my bones and cellular level, it feels like I am doing ‘good’. But, there is another side product for resting. It feels even better than the hard work. I know I am healing my body when I rest. I am learning to enjoy the peaceful moments. I still jump up the moment someone comes near, though. I have to talk myself back down after they leave. I do not confess about lying down. But, I am learning to find peaceful moments I would have missed if I did not rest. When I say ‘I rest;, it is out of sheer exhaustion or I have some handwork I can do while sitting. I walk to my art desk and do another layer. I have a diamond painting, Grace gave me, and I sit and do a few diamonds in the painting. I may read. I may watch something on the tv. Or, if exhausted, I will sleep for a power nap. ‘Peaceful’ moments are beginning to feel better and better as I age. Ok, ‘resting’ moments. I am learning to truly love those times when I can just think and heal. I am learning to see resting as healing and that lessens the guilt.
Resting is important, sisterfriends. It gives the body time to let go and the mind to simply be free in rest rather than work. Resting helps me feel less stressed. Ot prepares me for something that might come up that needs extra energy.
Actually, I am seeing rest as godliness.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.26.23
No comments:
Post a Comment