It Is As It Is

 

 

 

 I feel like I am coming out of a dark place.  Things look sharper, brighter, and warmer.  Without knowing it, I owe so much to the Splatsin people as teaching the art lessons at Splatsin has been a huge blessing in my life.  It has reawakened something I have been longing for... a gathering of women, artists, children, and laughter rung through to my heart.  I am beginning to feel my new kind of Identity.  I am a mother who has lost a child, a daughter, a complicated relationship has ended.  Forgiveness has seeped in through the spirals of darkness that has been in my heart for decades.  There is no mountain tall enough to shout “I forgive you!” from.  It is what it is.  No more hoping and wishing she could/would find her way back into the fold.  It is as it is.  I no longer have to search groups of people, places, hoping I could catch a glimpse of her somewhere.  No more longing that the love for her could find its place to be.  It is as it is.  A Mother’s love curls in on to itself.  That love she wool not allow us to give her is drawn to wherever she is and is swallowed up by grief.  It will harden, eventually, and be a hard shell that rattles in the soul. There is nothing more to be done.  I am changed forever by this.  I have begun to settle and accept the reality of this.  This will forever be unfinished business.  It is.  I am.  She was.

 Thank you for holding space for me for this month.