It never fails that, when someone passes, we can find something to feel guilty about.
“Oh, I wish I had…… “. (fill in the blank).
Guilt is one of those emotions that are a waste of our precious time. It can stall healing. And, by the way, we choose that emotion…it is self-inflicted. I listen to that Evil Inner Critical Voice sand then tell it to go away, or STFU. That voice does not belong in my healing.
Guilt is toxic and can do great damage to us. It is always a thought away from everything we do. It is a natural emotion, a gift with all our other emotions, because it does motivate us to do better, to change, to be a better person. But, looking in a mirror an immediately finding something negative to say to ourselves.. well, we all do it, but we should not let that happen.
Guilt is what makes us think we are not good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, perfect enough… successful enough,,, enough… enough… enough! One has to positive self-talk to combat that critical voice. But, be careful that you do not become one of those Person-persons with a narcissistic attitude.
All of us fall short from time to time. Be sure to adjudicate those feelings. Realizing that you are so hard on yourself is the first step in self-love that heals feelings of guilt, or pushes them out, or takes away their power. We need to get control of ourselves. The inner thought processes, being negative, can take away any precious positive memories we might have and bring us to our knees in depression that negates any positive healing. It can change our whole outlook on life, as a whole.
I could sit here and fall into the depths of some kind of despair feeling that I was her problem and that, if I had been a good mother, she would not have been so messed up. Every mother can look back and wish she had done things differently. Every mother knows that, in reality, she was the kind of mother she was became she was the only one she knew how to be. We can look at the negatives, from afar, I might add, and choose to accept that we are not perfect, ever, and child-rearing is a personal experiment with the skills we have at the time. I have had to really work hard to stay positive, to remember the sweet memories of picking a new baby up at the adoption agency, of that laughing, giggling, sparkling-eyed daughter I adored was not the adult daughter who made her own choices. I choose the sweet memory of the little girl who thought a Blizzard was a monster… the little girl who thought the dog ate her bottle when I was trying to wean her off her bottle. I am trying hard to remember the little girl who delighted others because she was the happiest, most loving little girl and who drew people to her by her joie de vivre. I will remember how she put her doll hat on, her bother’s shoes and was going to school with them by dang. I will remember her joy at blooming flowers. I will remember her heading to the store with a pop bottle, because she could get candy for it, and falling and cutting her tummy. I will remember her showing up at the church, dirty diaper and all because she thought she was missing out on something. And she continued, from Grade One right to the end, to love the color purple because her mother did. I can remember the birth of her first baby and getting her through the labor and me getting to hold her baby boy, first. I will remember the months she lived with us so I could take care of my grandson. I remember… and have spent this month remembering the beautiful moments with her.
I push away the negatives because I can not live with this grief forever. I have to come to a place where I am so grateful to have had her in my life in so many ways, so many times. I have acknowledged the times and grieved for her many times. But that was a negative grief. I am working on having this a positive grief.
Bear with me.
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