“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” -Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism.
Enabling” is an act of ‘unknowingly perpetuating a behavior and cause worse behavioral outcomes in someone who has a specific self-destructive behavioral issue. It typically happens with people who have close relationship(s) and causes behaviors to continue, sometimes a lifetime. The “enabler” believe he/she is helping but, it leads to further and further problems in the relationship. Examples of enabling are found in relationships where there is addictions, their can be financial enabling, any behavior by one party that allows another to continue in negative ways, without censure, is enabling.
Enabling is not meant to be negative, but has negative outcomes. We may excuse behaviors because it is easier than causing conflict. It is not meant to support someone we care about, and is most often meant to help, but, it excuses the one with the negative behavior and , in the end, damages the loved one and others who care about them because the troubled one does not realize the consequences of their actions. Although the enabling does not wish harm, and the enabling is well-intended, it does lead to different levels of harm. It never solves the problem to give them everything they want at the expense of others. It does not teach them skills and actually takes away their power to solve problems and make restitution. It is typically to hide a problem or make them go away, and, typically, is an attempt to stall conflict, although, in the end, it causes way more.
Enablers tolerate what is not just to tolerate. We keep secrets. We ignore difficult behavior(s|). We accept problems that should not be accepted and would not be if the person was not close to us. We might be afraid of the conflict that confronting would cause. We pacifiy by giving money, by giving in to negative requests that we know are not right but are trying to keep the peace. We may think we are protecting the one with the problems. Enablers do for another with problems because it is easier to do so. It never helps. It allows the one with problems to continue, and the problem(s) get more and more problematic.
We may tiptoe around one with problems because of the level of reactions caused. We excuse those who are ill, accepting and verbalizing they do have a problem, but continue to support their bad behaviors. We will agree with their warped sense of what is right, we may allow for unacceptable behaviors because...” they are sick and it is not fair and we pity them”. By not acknowledging there is a problem in their behaviors, we are encouraging it.
Often enablers will give upon things they desire, will give things rather than afford change, and let their own needs suffer because they are “helping” their loved one with negative behaviors. Enablers do not set boundaries and create consequences. Then, importantly, follow through needs to happen. Otherwise the enabling will cause the one with the behavioral issues to take advantage of the enabler. They will cross the boundaries, if they are not truly set and the consequences follow. Being prepared for anger, outbursts, weeping, gnashing of teeth, etc. They will buck at not being able to manipulate their enabler(s) any more.
A healthy conversation has to take place. Make sure that the “enabled” understands the problems that their behavior is causing. Always help them understand when they are beginning their unacceptable behavior and stop it in its tracks. Encourage them to get proper help from properly trained people. Encourage them to take their medications, if they have been prescribed them and do not take them and it results in negative behavior. Remember it is ok to say “no!”. The longer the enabling has gone on, the harder they will buck the removal of enabling. Be sure and EMPOWER them.
The simple quote at the beginning speaks volumes to this. If we feed a man fish, he has no reason to try to obtain fish for himself. Instead, teach a man to fish and he will learn to provide the necessities. Feeding him/her is enabling. Teaching him/her to fish for himself is empowering.
If you find yourself in a position of enabler, not only they need help. So do you. What makes you an enabler? Are you, to, enabled in some way so that it is normal to enable? What is you are substituting “feeding him fish” for? There is no better time than right now to stop enabling. The “enabled|” can ruin family dynamics, can ruin friendships, as much as the enabler does. The enmeshment in relationships needs to be looked at when it becomes destructive, becomes problematic for all around us. Do some research and find ways to “gently’ withdraw the enabling, if “gentler” must be, but know you are doing no one any good feeding into the behaviors that are destructive to them and you and others. Blessed be!
©Carol Desjarlais 8.30.23
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