Facing Down The Drama Queen

 

 

In every family, there seems to be one of those that thrive on drama and there is always one crisis after another.  The crisis demands we all stop our good life and pay attention to the problems that arise.  This is not new and many times the Drama Queen personality is enabled so that everyone is always trying to pacify in order to stop the drama.  But it doesn’t.  They need drama and will create it however they can. 

A Drama Queen has issues, to say the least, and have had so most of their life.  They are unpredictable yet so predictable.  You do not know how it is going to start, but you know it is going to.   It is not always that they can control it, but they attempt to and chaos is a panacea to them.  Their reaction to anything new is to control what they can at the expense of whomever is in the firing line.  Acting out, tantrums, constant crises, of one kind or another, is what they know best and how they react to new situations, or situations they create in order to have the drama. 

I use the term “Drama Queen” lightly s that all can relate to something that is familiar to us.  They are the type who try to avoid thinking and fill of time and space with constant work to beat down the adrenaline in their system.  They find things to fill gaps in time in order to not deal with ‘life as normal’.  Chaos is their relief. 

Their enjoyment is to set off other people’s triggers.  They are not dumb people/.  They are, typically, very intelligent.  They tend to be perfectionists in focus and in doing what they set out to do, be it negative or positive.  They choose people that have like issues, even addictions of any kind, because it is guaranteed drama.  Their lives are hectic and drama-riddled, their friendships are not long lived, and they exhaust people who are not like them.  They are high until they are not.  Then their depression slides in as relationships deteriorate because the others become exhausted around them.

One has to have very strict boundaries, set them, mean them, and set up consequences.  The ‘victims’ are at risk of being overwhelmed as the long days of and episode and intrusions tick by.  Patience is shortening.  Anything done to curtail it all is reason for triggering the chaotic behavior.  One foot in front of the other is all one can do.  No amount of cajoling, pacifying, demanding, changes the other’s mind once their need for drama happens. The absolute refusal to give in to authority is a ‘normal’ to the ‘Drama Queen’.  Underlying mental illness that has been the excuse for not making demands of them is often overlooked in the day-to-day struggle with such people.  The struggles begin to flood over into the ‘victims’ lives as there is nowhere to turn to get support without burdening other people.  Trying to do anything legal is not an option in that it affects more and more people when trying to break free of these type of people.  Simply setting boundaries for them and yourself and getting through until there is a reprieve is all one can do for now.  Being prepared to cope, properly, with the issues that arise again is imperative.   There are always so many extenuating circumstances enmeshed in the relationship with such.    

Goddess bless those who have to deal with such struggle.  Strengthening oneself is imperative.  After an immediate crises, trying to find oneself back to normalcy is difficult and the wariness and angst following their episodes can set you up for being overly alert and too protective.  This is all part of how the Drama Queen works her mysteries.  Wariness and protectionism is part of the defence, but also a cost to those who must do so.  Again, Goddess Bless us all who must deal with such!

©Carol Desjarlais 8.31.23

 

Enabled, Enabler, Empowerer

 

 

“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” -Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism.

Enabling” is an act of ‘unknowingly perpetuating a behavior and cause worse behavioral outcomes in someone who has a specific self-destructive behavioral issue.  It typically happens with people who have close relationship(s) and causes behaviors to continue, sometimes a lifetime.  The “enabler” believe he/she is helping but, it leads to further and further problems in the relationship.  Examples of enabling are found in relationships where there is addictions, their can be financial enabling, any behavior by one party that allows another to continue in negative ways, without censure, is enabling. 

Enabling is not meant to be negative, but has negative outcomes.  We may excuse behaviors because it is easier than causing conflict.  It is not meant to support someone we care about, and is most often meant to help, but, it excuses the one with the negative behavior and , in the end, damages the loved one and others who care about them because the troubled one does not realize the consequences of their actions. Although the enabling does not wish harm, and the enabling is well-intended, it does lead to different levels of harm.  It never solves the problem to give them everything they want at the expense of others.  It does not teach them skills and actually takes away their power to solve problems and make restitution.  It is typically to hide a problem or make them go away, and, typically, is an attempt to stall conflict, although, in the end, it causes way more.   

Enablers tolerate what is not just to tolerate.  We keep secrets.  We ignore difficult behavior(s|).  We accept problems that should not be accepted and would not be if the person was not close to us.  We might be afraid of the conflict that confronting would cause.  We pacifiy by giving money, by giving in to negative requests that we know are not right but are trying to keep the peace.  We may think we are protecting the one with the problems.  Enablers do for another with problems because it is easier to do so.  It never helps.  It allows the one with problems to continue, and the problem(s) get more and more problematic.    

We may tiptoe around one with problems because of the level of reactions caused.  We excuse those who are ill, accepting and verbalizing they do have a problem, but continue to support their bad behaviors.  We will agree with their warped sense of what is right, we may allow for unacceptable behaviors because...” they are sick and it is not fair and we pity them”.  By not acknowledging there is a problem in their behaviors, we are encouraging it. 

Often enablers will give upon things they desire, will give things rather than afford change, and let their own needs suffer because they are “helping” their loved one with negative behaviors.  Enablers do not set boundaries and create consequences.  Then, importantly, follow through needs to happen.  Otherwise the enabling will cause the one with the behavioral issues to take advantage of the enabler.  They will cross the boundaries, if they are not truly set and the consequences follow.  Being prepared for anger, outbursts, weeping, gnashing of teeth, etc.  They will buck at not being able to manipulate their enabler(s) any more.

A healthy conversation has to take place.  Make sure that the “enabled” understands the problems that their behavior is causing.  Always help them understand when they are beginning their unacceptable behavior and stop it in its tracks.  Encourage them to get proper help from properly trained people.  Encourage them to take their medications, if they have been prescribed them and do not take them and it results in negative behavior.  Remember it is ok to say “no!”.   The longer the enabling has gone on, the harder they will buck the removal of enabling.  Be sure and EMPOWER them.

The simple quote at the beginning speaks volumes to this.  If we feed a man fish, he has no reason to try to obtain fish for himself.  Instead, teach a man to fish and he will learn to provide the necessities.  Feeding him/her is enabling.  Teaching him/her to fish for himself is empowering. 

If you find yourself in a position of enabler, not only they need help.  So do you.  What makes you an enabler?  Are you, to, enabled in some way so that it is normal to enable?  What is you are substituting “feeding him fish” for?  There is no better time than right now to stop enabling.  The “enabled|” can ruin family dynamics, can ruin friendships, as much as the enabler does.  The enmeshment in relationships needs to be looked at when it becomes destructive, becomes problematic for all around us.  Do some research and find ways to “gently’ withdraw the enabling, if “gentler” must be, but know you are doing no one any good feeding into the behaviors that are destructive to them and you and others.  Blessed be!

©Carol Desjarlais 8.30.23

 

Pipe Day, Aquarius, Waxing Gibbons Moon

 

 

The Sacred Pipe is the symbol for today.  It is a very holy symbol that is equivalent to sacrament when smoked with the indrawn smoke being the connection to Creator and the ascending smoke blown out being the communication from human to Creator.  Creator is not believed to be supernatural.  Creator is non-gendered spirit that is creator and what is created.  All things in nature are spoken to and considered relations and are addressed as such.  All created things are relations.  Tobacco is smoked and was given to the people before any other plant as a gift from Creator.    The pipe bowl and stem were part of first creation.  The pipe is considered essential to life.  The pipes are used by families for essentials of life.  Healings can be done with the pipe.  Requesting food is done through use of the pipe.  The pipe will be used any time there is need, of any kind, from Creator.

The moon is in Aquarius It is not a time to bother leaders, nor have meetings.  It is a time for quietly working on creations, to educate and to pass on education, and not anything for any kind of personal gain. 

The moon waxes Gibbons and the moon is using all it has to grow.  The Universal energy rises.  Watch things grow in your personal and spiritual levels when you remain quiet and watchful...Present to all four quadrants of your life:  physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.  If you must travel, do so in a leisurely fashion with as little disturbance to the earth as possible.  Do not get into drama, or you will be afforded emotional outbursts.  To disturb the growth of energy in all things will cause conflict. 

Those who carry pipes need to smoke.  All should be as quiet today, do things leisurely, sit and work on arts or crafts, without hurrying.  Stay Present and watchful rather than doing, today.

©Carol Desjarlais 8.29.23