“To ‘throw shade’ means to belittle, dismiss, show disgust, disapproval, disbelief, insult, degrade, or negatively condemn verbally or non-verbally (with bodily gestures).” - All Things How
Having shade thrown at you, in any way, hurts andf is a pain that equals physical pain, depending on the amount of shade and what place you are at when it is done. The body, mind, heart and soul do not determine what is hurt, but it hurts. But, it is part of life to have it happen. A human fear is rejection and that began when tribes began. Being accepted made the difference between life or death and the hurt, we feel even today, is a primal reaction.
When someone “throws shade, it undermines our self-worth because we are conditioned to being critiqued, being spurned, being disciplkined, and/or being rejected. We are not logical when it happens. We tend to immediately feel “not good enough”, like a reprimanded child. We, most often, turn on ourselves as if our worth depends on the critque of others. It can cause us to reject ourselves, to becoming anxious, depressed, and feeling rejected. We should learn to counter and diffuse the negativity no matter how it comes or how light the shade.
Somehow, we have to become more resilient. Nom, we are not always right and we do deserve some shade now and again. Yes, we do need some correcting some kind at times. But, it should come from someone who truly cares about us and our happiness. There will always be someone who does not like you. Most people like me, but there are a few I can name who totally do not and usually they have a reason for that that is valid.
I used to counsel the youth I worked with that there will be times that somone might call you a “beotch”, for instance. In order not to give up your power and sink into poor self-esteem over it, or get angry and retaliate, I tell them to just smile. I said to take a few moments and consider if you have been what they called you. I can tell you the times I have been a total beotch. So, knowing that, when they call me a beotch, I can smile and internally agree. That takes away all their power and gives you immense power. You control what happens, they do not. It takes all the wind out of their sails.
Why do we choose to believe what others say or think of us? Why do we allow ourselves to feel repulsion at ourselves when we are seen making a mistke and are criticized for it by someone who has nothing to do with us other than that they, most likely, often throw shade? Why do we, immediately, allow them to make us feel angry? Why is it so hard to agree to diagree? Why do we sink to their levrl with smart mouth replies full of sarcasm? Why do we not, immedaitely remember that hurt people hurt people”? Why? Because we are conditioned to need to be liked, accepted, kept in a tribe, and our Lizard Brain still thinks it means death to not belong.
We have to remember how good we are at recovering and regain our steps forward in our progression. We are exactly who and what we should be, at this present moment, and shade or no shade. There is no logic in allowing someone else define us. Refuse, absolutely, to be drawn into someone else’s drama and need for drama. Throwing shade is a purely selfish act for them to feel better than us. Other’s judgements are acceptable when we ask for them. Being judged is for sompetitions, not everyday life. Everyone hads their own set of optinions and good on them, we do not have to agree, but neither do we need to demand that they accept ours. Simply know in your own hert what you value what you believe, and why. But, be open to learning something new. If I was as quick about a smrt reply as I wish I had been many times, I would be in a world of hurt. I have had to learn that I do not think too quickly, of a retort, is because something/someone protects me from sinking to a bully’s level. I can think of the smartest things, after the fact and usually it is defensive and not very nice because I tend to throw in a swear word or two.
I refuse to be around people who somehow think they are, in some way, more superior than I so that they feel a need to rain on my parade. No one has that right. No one knows what is in your heart. No one knows your whole story. And we need darn good boundaries in order to repel the shade when it comes, and it will come. Consider the source.
The only people that really matter in life are the people that can “see” your heart and rejoice with you.” ―
©Carol Desjarlais 7.27.22
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