Ending Long Nights of the Soul

 

 

We can be unconscious of fear in our life.  We may have denied our fears, and darkness, and dark feelings so that we may not even know how much fear drives us.  Of course, we have many big fears and those we cannot deny.  And sadness…oh, our culture has us deny our sadness’ because we are supposed to be “Happy Happy Girl” and be positive…and be optimistic...and put a lid on fears, outrages, and sadness. 

Of course, there are times when we sink into dwelling on negative aspects of our life because such might be crashing like thunder and lightening in our lives at the moment.  We have moments of anxiousness.  And, we have those pre-sleep ruminating that come like cud to a cow’s mouth.  And we pre and post gnash our teeth over anything that springs up…and things do spring up so that one moment there is one thing and then it spreads out like an ancestry chart and we are gnawing on early childhood memories of when we failed, when we lost, when we failed.,. ad nauseum. 

What if we spent better ruminating on what we can do good in the world tomorrow.  Time is better spent being grateful for the lessons of the day and how to fix them for tomorrow.  How about we face those “in the dark of night” things right in the face and figure out how to fix ourselves so we can fix other things that need fixing in our relationships, in our communities, in our global connections?  How about we stop allowing ourselves to lay in the dark thinking dark things and seeking a candlelight flicker of hope and resilience to bring new light comes the dawn? 

I, long ago, refused to allow myself to ruminate.  I get up immediately and do something that soothes my soul.  I will do art.  I will clean.  I will read a frivolous book.  I will make plans.  I will distract myself until sleep pries at the edges of my thoughts and I can fall asleep quickly having had the courage to refuse to fuss and worry and be anxious about something from 1902.  The only dang thing I can do about the past is learn the lesson(s) and make sure I keep an eye on dawn.  And sometimes, it takes great courage to repel that which haunts us because, that which haunts us are those things we have not finished off.  How do we tie up loose ends? 

If you must, get up from the gnawing night and list the things you were thinking negatively about.  Write down every tooth of your sharp dark night.  Stay up all night, if you mut, but list those things.  Come morning, look at that list again.  Can you go back and fix any of it?  Name those things anew.  You will find that most of those things are driven by fear.  To conquer fear you might need some aversion self-therapy.

 

‘Hineni’ means, “here I am”, in a spiritual sense.

 Sometimes we can begin to avoid even goijg to bed because of the scenarios that come the moment we lay down.  The only way to conquer that is to get up and do something rather than lay there and be haunted.  

©Carol Desjarlais 7.7.22