“At the heart of all anger, all grudges,
and all resentment, you'll always find a fear that hopes to stay anonymous.”
―
Look into the
stillness
I am one who can walk away, close doors, let go, easily. Part of that is due to my Primal wound. I have worked hard to not simply turn away from things I ought to try to work out. There is no arguing, no pleading, no defense. I can simply avert my eyes, my body, my heart and soul from someone who I feel has wounded me. I do not hold grudges or resentment.
The way I used to deal with things, like imminent abandonment and rejection of me, was to get defensive, to continue to try and try to get things worked out, to talk and talk and talk, but, most often it ended with a “f you!” on my part and I turned and went off muttering to myself. That simply got me nowhere. So, about a couple of years ago now, I simply turned my soul from someone who had meant a great deal to me and unjustly accused me of something I absolutely never did. This was a friend who share my life for over five decades, who was the closest person to me, who knew my life so well, and, alas, knew all my secrets too. I shared something I had been made to think and was trying to explain that I knew it was not so, but that I had actually defended her. This time, I refused to defend myself. She opened a wound in another of our long-time friends with her stirring the pot. I felt so sorry for that friend. I weas shocked, but this time I refused to stand up for myself. I came to a quick conclusion that, if she wanted to break off this decade’s long relationship, then she would have found any reasons. She took one of my secret hurts I had worked to get past and twisted the knife. I simply let it go. She had been the closest person to me in my life, knew me inside out, and I suddenly was standing on my own without her to brace my back and without me bracing hers. I lost my closest sister, the most important member of the tribe we belonged too, our children lost their auntie and cousins, and there was (and is) a huge void in our lives. But, I hold no judgment. I simply have accepted it. I have learned a lesson and it does not mean it does not hurt. Lessons often do, but the main lesson was that I can turn away in healthy ways with no rancour, no anger, no huge woundedness, no regrets, no vengeance...that goes along with holding grudges.
We all have reasons to hold grudges, but we should not hang on to them because we cannot progress and move on if we do. We are not powerless, and we are not forever victims. We need to be overcomers and thrivers. Yes, we have all experienced demeaning, all experienced being cheated on in some way, and we all have had someone hurt us. But, then, they go on with our lives and we continue to hurt ourselves with what happened. They do not stay stuck. We do.
Holding grudges interferes with our physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual self. The world is not just. Our relationships are not always fair. We have some hard lessons to learn betimes. And, it is a type of forgiveness that needs to happen... not the one you go the person and ask for or give forgiveness. No, it is an internal forgiveness where you learn the lesson and let it go. Perhaps it is mercy. We all, omg, all, need mercy. We need to, within us, know that hurt people hurt people and quietly thank Creator for the lesson, and go on with our lives.
The other day, a little girl said something snide and demeaning to her little brother. I herd a mother know exactly how to handle the situation. She said, “What did you gain from saying that?” The little girl knew what her mother meant and she tried to stand her ground. “What did you gain by hurting his feelings?” Again, a bit of muttering, and again, the mouther said, “What did you gain by saying that and hurting his feelings?” She turned to the little boy and said, “Did that hurt your feelings?” “Yes”. “See, you hurt his feelings”. And suddenly it was over and resolved. The lesson learned.
We need to consider how turning away from someone who hurt you helps you move forward and consider[CD1] the alternative. Try to see the person who hurt you through soulful eyes…see all the rest that person was to you. You are not validating that person by letting them “get away with it”. What you need is reconciliation, within, because you do not want to make being offended a habit, and it will become so if you hold one grudge…there will be many more you will pile on to your soul. The way not to let them win is to let it go. You do not lose your own personal power. In the situation that happened, they lost theirs, in the situation within you.
Practice personal reconciliation. It is not easy, but once you do it once, it becomes so much easier, with so much more inner peace, if you make the effort.
Blessed be.
This art journal collage speaks to laying down the baggage.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.7.22
[CD1]consider
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