Isolation Angst and Magic

Girlfriend sent me a message,. “I am so Sick of me!”  Isolation has changed us… have we changed for the better or are we back at being who we were before this hit?  Perhaps, as it seems to have sapped our energy and our reasons to be positive, it is time for some magic.  Oh, not that kind of magic.  It means the magic of learning to change ourselves to get rid of some of our negative traits.  Oh, you do not think we all have negative traits?  Aw, then look closer because we are human, we have lived, we have sucked up some negative traits.  All of us!  We need to work the magic of deep, psychological, on ourselves.  

How often do we feel sorry for ourselves?  We do.  It happens that we might, somewhere in our soul, feel pitiful.  Most of us will not admit it and most of us will get busy stuffing that feeling.  Do we feel, sometimes, that we are owed more than we get; that we deserve mor respect, more care, more compassion, more  (fill in the blank) ______ or ______ or _____?  Of course, we do.

How often can we tolerate ‘aloneness’?  We are social beings down here on earth.  We all have times when we want to fill quiet spaces of time with ‘something’, anything?  I know that I need background sounds in order to fall to sleep more easily.  Quietude is different than aloneness.  We can be at a gathering and feel alone.  I have always felt, when I felt an ‘aloneness’ it was my soul/spirit that was lonely.  Sometimes I am lonely for that place I came from.  Part of that kind of loneliness appeared this last week.  I am doing great with this isolation stuff.  And, I do not go out and about, typically, but once, maybe twice a week prior to all this.  A visit home to my daughter and granddaughter ought to cure this.  We have to admit, even those who are isolationists, this is different and by now, after all these weeks and months, doesn’t feel right down deep inside.  We are not meant to be alone.  We are human beings.  A basic need is a tribe, a group, a gathering.  I will solve this my way as you will your way.

We all, at times, have given too much of ourselves.  I have, I know, given away too much of my personal power.  I have trusted when I should not have.  Have made choices with an unconscious agenda.    I have allowed others too much of me and therefore have empowered them to hurt me.  I am sure we all have, in some way, at some time.  I am pretty old to be dealing with this yet.  But I think some of it has returned to fill some void.

Have you ever felt inflexible?  I have.  Once I set my feet, they are set, about something that crosses my boundaries of morals, character, and especially those in authority that lose my respect.  Sometimes I forge to let others be who they are, not who I think they should be.  It has been a long time since I struggled with this, but it has reared its ugly head again. In this void. Again… and I have to just walk away ( yes, usually in disgust) but maintain my composure...depending on the strength of boundary they have crossed.  I have to keep reminding myself, these days, that karma will work its magic.  It is not my job, even if it affects me.  

Loss of control is huge during this time.  Do you feel it?  Does it rankle you that we have had a lot of freedom of choices taken away?  I reacted when I felt someone was criticizing me, judging me, during this all.  I would not normally do so.  I am blaming a lot on covid, aren’t I?  But, even though I believe we have to be so careful and have restrictions, someone crossed over my gate and I felt besmudged by someone I totally know is not keeping the regulations and keeping us safe.  I rose like fish to fly and barked back.  My mistake.  It had been a long time coming and I had controlled myself many many times, but this was too much while I was under high stress.  I could have gone on making bad choices, weak choices, choices made out of fear and vulnerability, but I chose not too and it worked itself out. I do not react well to others thinking they can control me.  Yes, another thing to work on.  Nothing is fair right now.  Nothing is right and just because it is colored with the mask of uncertainty.  All I can do is take responsibility of things I own or should.  Change is difficult at the best of times.  Imposed change complicates all that.  Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed?  I do. 

I overwhelm myself betimes.  Do you?  I can feel panic rise when I overthink things.  Do you sometimes feel the flight or fight response, however mild?  

This is a perfect chance to work on our inner workings.  It is challenging.  It takes soul work and some tears, but best we do it now before this drags on longer and longer and we find ourselves in this situation more and more.

Bless us all in being the changelings we are.

***by the way, my girlfriend’s message was a typo she made and I read differently than she meant.  She was truly sick… not sick of herself.. but it sent me on a journey of self-discovery through it.  

Work that magic, sisterfriends.

©Carol Desjarlais 5.18.20