Wow, this has been a cleansing moon and
what a rough patch of cleansing it has been for me. I am not myself and have not been for several
months. This year started out rough and
it all had to do with relationships. And me….mostly me!
I just do not understand myself. I react quickly, I am defensive, and then I
grapple with guilt, shame, confusion.
There may be something to the fact that emotional quirks can be
exacerbated as we age. Is that it?
I am sensing more symbolic gestures and
language more than ever I did. I know it
is only my perception, but why on earth it is feeling defensive, I have only to
research and I find that, yes, emotional things can cycle back and many can
find themselves back in teenaged years of anxiety, of avoidance, of angst, of
difficult relationship issues. Compound
this with isolation and everyday aging issues and we can find ourselves in a
whole heap of angst. This is not
me. I have been good at maintaining
composure. I am not resilient these last
months, and I know it
It is a left-over of being betrayed, at
the beginning of this year, and relationships have seemed to have fear and
anxiety embedded into it all. I feel
unsafe speaking my truths and, even, being who I am/was/am. With covid isolation, it seems to exacerbated
it all and suddenly there feels like no safe person to talk to. My world feels unstable and I am having huge
trust issues, all the while, trying to maintain a semblance of someone that has
their proverbial chite together. I
cannot let this become my norm as it is eating away at me and I am not one to
feel powerless to change self.
It is easy to point a finger outward,
when, in reality, it is within, and one’s conscious level of ‘what will people
think’ is huge and magnified and that thinking goes back to childhood. It is easy to have our quiet little
grievances go on within and we rehash it all to try to figure out how that
happened. I worry about consequences of
standing up for myself, and when trying, it only gets worse, and so I stay
silent. Yes, it should not matter, but
it is becoming common that miscommunication can happen on top of it all. I sense
the fear seeping in in quiet moments. And,
yes, betimes, there is anger that I squelch as I realize I have taken a huge
step backwards in my ways of dealing with life.
It is weird how a chain of similar events can trigger all this, but it
has.
It seems my nervous system is overloaded in
some way. Truly, it is not that big a
deal, but it feels like it. I am not
stuck here because I have tools and skills for working on self. It will pass, but I should have done the
inner work before this stacked up on me.
It is becoming a pattern and I am now defensive and in
reaction-mode.
This is the time I would have gone to the
Medicine Man to get protection, but he has gone on and so now I need to work my
own medicine. I need to offer self-kindness
and compassion. All my relationships
actually make me worry. And I am way too
far into the future rather than being present.
I need to ask my inner self why it fears what is not worth worrying
about. My ‘pleasing others’ self has
come on stronger because I ignored my inner whisperings. I misjudged some and the muddle has
long-reaching effects.
Sometimes we need to just stop and reflect
on what is right, what is good, who is worthy of our kind of friendship and
love. Once, it was so easy to walk
away. I changed that, now I am dealing with
needing to walk away. I have no desire,
now, to make it right, I just need to
let it feel right within.
We can change anything about ourselves
that we wish to change. That is our
divine right and ways. I can change my
reactions. I can change my inner language
to one of being at peace with walking away from such drudgery and spent work it
took to try to help someone who did not desire help[ and health. I can change how I think about it all after
it is done. All of us have choices. We do not have to let someone else define us. We know our truths. We know what is best for us. We can refuse to accept that which dragged us
down, or that hurt us, without defense.
We never need to defend ourselves.
We, as I said, know our truths.
I am going to be very careful with myself
for a good long while and carefully make choices in the kind of friendships and
relationships I have. I think this is a
type of grief, in reality. Yes, I know
grief well. So, what does one need when
I am grieving? Space, time, compassion
towards self.
Every time I write a blog, there is some
kernel of truth that stands out. If you
blog, journal, draw, that can be a springboard for sorting out our proverbial
chite. See, when I worked, and a client
came to me with such a problem, the above is what I would be talking with them
about. Ah, yes, we can heal our
self. Give yourself the counsel you
would give a loved one. Love yourself
first and foremost.
©Carol Desjarlais 5.15.20
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