Rebuilding Ability To Trust

“Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence.” - unknown

In a moment, trust is broken.  It takes a long time, sometimes forever, to get back what is lost in that moment.  We need to breathe through it and work as best we can to learn to trust the world again.

We most often worry about sharing anything of our life or reality because we fear being abandoned.  We do not expect a shared incident to be gossiped and whispered about, even to another person that the incident might have included.  To do so is betrayal of the secret-giver and causes chaos and hurt to that third person.  It is so Junior High and only a really infantile adult woman would do so.  The breakdown of such an intimate longstanding friendship can never be retrieved, nor should it.  A skunk eventually shows its stripes and we simply disconnect and let them sink or swim through the stink of what they have caused.  This cannot stop us from trusting and building trusting relationships that do not become enmeshment and is dangerous in unhealthy-minded others we may have given leeway to through the other's manipulation and narcissist mentality.  You are best to do some spring cleaning of close relationships that hover on you being victimized, really see your relationships and seek to build on those who have proven their trust.

Do not ever stop telling your truths as you know them.  We adjust our actions and reactions, our needs and greeds, and our reasons for keeping it 'real' and whether that puts you at risk.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Watch for signals of small betrayals.  They will be there and we might, what we thought, was loving, just let slide.  Do not let anyone, ever, disrespect you in any way.  In the end, all we have is ourselves, and we live and die our truths. We only need to trust ourselves and so, in order to trust others, we need to build the trust with Self.

Remember once bitten, twice shy!  Watch saboteurs in your life.  Watch your own self-sabotage.  Just know, something in you helped that other sabotage the relationship.  Why would we put our self in a vulnerable position to have our words, our truths, used against us?  Did we disclose too much to someone who was not deserving?  It hurts twice as bad when you know another(s) was/were hurt, as well.  It is part of living and being in relationships that there is always some sense of trust and the longer the relationship, they really gain more knowledge, betimes, of our sadnesses, joys, woundings, and this gives the wrong person(s) more ammunition to use against you when your relationship becomes betrayal.  We simply walk away and hope their fetid excuse for friendship stays away and we need to go into the woods, so to speak, lick our wounds, and learn the lesson.  

For those of us who are compassionate, we do tend to get more enmeshed in our relationships.  We tend to show our truths good, bad, and ugly.  At some point in our lives, we will meet and make friends with those who are incapable of thinking of how their actions will affect so many.  We, mistakenly, think that other's value and respect is weighted the same as our own.  Keep your dignity and respect for self and let go...simply let go and build your own self-respect, your own dignity.

Do not let your lack of trust keep others from caring and being compassionate with you or asking you to be compassionate and caring.  Yes, there will be those who need to lean, but they offer a trusting shoulder for us to lean back when needed.  We need to learn to receive and to give trust again.  We know these truths, but we need to live them, too.  

Look for comfortable relationships for a time until you can let go of a bad incident.  Experiment with little bits of trust and risking after a time of contemplation.  Appreciate that your truth was your truth and it does not matter what anyone else thinks because you and God know the truth(s).  This was something I was taught when I was little and I got blamed for something I did not do and my girlfriend's mother gave me wise counsel I use to this day.

Appreciate yourself.  Meet your own emotional needs, examine your relationships and build the relationship with the keepers. Sometimes we will fail in our choices and we simply take a long look at the lesson(s) and try again.

I started out prepping a board with thick gesso and laying bubble wrap over it to get texture.  Letting it dry always takes time and I am so often impatient to move to the next step,so on I moved while the gesso was still wet.

I wanted a slower in the painting, so I began using Madder's Rose, on wet gesso, 
and a palette knife to stir up a flower shape.

 I scraped downward for the stem.
  

I ended up hating the face I drew and started on, so I geeso'd over the face and began again.

I was much more satisfied as I began the shaping of this front-facing face. My concern was to get even painting of the right colors as I moved on with the new face.  

She kept changing as I worked and now I end up with black hair.

Then the hair became brown and gold.  In the end, I love what happened.

Reshape your friendships.  Learn to trust again.  Know what to trust to whom, with whom.  Build your trust skills and learn to trust yourself through new lessons learned.  Then begin to trust bit by bit, the others with whom you build relationships.  

©Carol Desjarlais 4.5.20