Full Moon- Taking The Pause

A simplified version of the Buddha's quote 'life is suffering' is ....
"Life is difficult, when we accept life is difficult, life becomes less difficult" 

- unknown author

April is the month of impending roil and coil of rebirth.  The soil is warming.  As I allow my winter hardened heart to soften towards myself, I realize, still and again, how hard I am on myself.  All it takes is for a egomaniac/narcissist to stir up some trouble and suddenly I can feel all vulnerable.  First I get mad.  Then I move into self-doubt.  Since my attitude can change so, perhaps I should remember that no matter what life chucks at us, attitude is the main thing.  We can live in the present if we do not let a bad attitude towards self drag us down.  If I keep remembering that I am living the rest of my life, I can remember, dangit, I can, that I do not want self-doubt and a hardness in my heart.  It does not mean that I am going to allow others to cross my boundaries, or that I am going to remain a victim to their manipulation.  It simply means that I will softly close the door and go on with my future.  We are in charge of our own quality in life.  We are in charge of having a warm and loving heart.

As the sun warms Mother Earth, perhaps it is time to allow it to warm the heart after a hard winter storm, or any storm.  Winter can get many down, and there are many with Seasonal Affective Disorder ( SAD),  Many suffer during winter.  I remember we used to know to watch for reactivation in those who were trying to beat alcoholism or drug use, and that November and February were months that were, dangerous for relapse.   And so it is with our emotions.  Stressors on the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual can impede our balance.  so it is with dark long winters and so it is with dark days of the soul.

Consider if there is some coldness left in your body, mind, heart and soul just now, as Spring is slow to gather up all its warm.  Consider if you have some frozen places in heart and soul.  I, for one, am needing to release some 'stuff'.    Do not think because you are not thinking of them that they are not there.  Most of us have unacknowledged pent up 'stuff'.  They may show up in less obvious ways, but they will, like pressure built up in a tire and it slowly releases as you hit bumps... well, even small bumps in our path can cause some venting.  What to look for, in Self, is... "Is the venting appropriate for the situation?"  

If we learn to identify feelings we are feeling, to acknowledge what the key issues are, we release the pressures bit by bit in more productive ways.  When you feel angry, or like crying, or drug down, or zoned out, ask yourself, "Why"?  And truly feel the why until you hit the key trigger for your emotions.  Once you name it, for real, then you can ask yourself why you were hanging on to that feeling.  Ah, the soul knows why and so do you.  You jsut need to ask, like I am, when we check in with what the authentic feeling is all about.  There is a story to it.  Find that story.  In finding that story, you will begin to find the way to release.

Sometimes we want to hang on to that anger, that sadness, because you may think that is the only right feeling to feel.  But, if is not, in its way, haunting you, it is still hurting you.  We can come off cold to self and others.  To be cold is to be closed off from authentic emotions.  To be closed off from your emotions means you will never have true peace and comfort and self love.  Without those, you are, or might be, dead to the world that has need of you.  You will never feel 'ENOUGH"!  You will never feel 'good', 'worthy', etc.  You will always feel a heaviness of spirit.

Oh, man, this is always an epiphany to me when I blog and the words and phrases come fat and furious.  So often it is where my changes ignite.  

When do we learn to bask in our own light, to sit in our quietude and feel gentleness that comes from within and wraps us in that closest comfort we can ever know?  It is time.  WE are not promised a tomorrow.  The world is in the grips of something dark and dangerous.  What good are we to the ALL if our all is focused on unresolved issues?  Open wide up.  Let the sun shine in.  Let the moon shine warmth in your night.

I began this painting with a background I flung, and scraped, color on to.  

I then, turned it round and round and found the face within, and used some burnt sienna to draw her in.  As I was drawing, I was meditating on the things behind me, last winter, that I would have rather not had happen.  I wanted to identify those things and so the painting took on a standstill as I stopped and visited that spot for a while.

 

I came back to the painting the next morning, with work on the face and she finished quickly.  I need to post this in my bathroom to remind me that I am not looking back because I am not going that way.  She softened.  The anger in her face is gone.  There is no fear left there.  There is simply a gently looking back to remember and learn the lesson.

  

©Carol Desjarlais 4.7.20