I guess I am guilty of thinking of Christmas as it used to be, when I was small, and my mother was fastidious about her decorations, her treats, her tree. In fact, we could never help with the tree because we made it a mess. I love Christmas Eve Oyster Stew with dad (we were the only ones who liked it and I liked it because he did). Though I continue her traditions and add a few of my own (lighted decorations and twinkling outside my patio in the rock garden area), it still feels lonely, sometimes. I work hard NOT to let it all get the best of me and walk around like a sad sack.
No, I do not have full blown ANHEDONIA, but like most everyone, it does slip up on me betimes. Anhedonia is a type of depression, anxiety, and sometimes PTSD that affect most of us at some time. And, yes, it is probably why I do not like winter…because Christmas is coming… and that sense of loneliness and fringe-edge feeling of not quite fitting in to the festivities of it. This could be a type of situational anhedonia of some small type. Once Christmas is upon me... I fling myself into it and make it what I can make of it.
Perhaps it is the uncertainty, that feeling that is bittersweet because of sweet Past-Christmas memories and joys. Perhaps it is a time where there are fewer distractions. Our schedules get slowed down and there is just us, the tree, a few of our tribe. See, we can feel lonely right in the midst of people. It can be completely normal, and we might call it typical for us, but there are a few ways I have found to bat these feelings away… for the most part. I am left with a few triggering emotions, and I refuse to let them stay triggered. I can be known to project frustration and self-criticism because it isn’t what I thought it should be. I refused to be overloaded. So I create a new tradition, a new ritual, a new something that might help me stay in the Christmas mood.
One thing I have done this year, is throughout the year, if something really jumps out at me, I will grab it and keep it to wrap for myself at Christmas. (I do have one this year, because the girlfriend-sistuhs did not come before Christmas when it arrive3d, so I am wrapping it for myself... it’s a gooder!) I might find a good movie and save it for Christmas. I might create myself a play list…well, I have a native American one I play every year, during the quiet times when The Bee Man is not around (he does not like music playing). And, I lan for something that will make it special… this year I have a Cruise to look forward too.
As Christmas draws closer, I try to stick to my routine mornings. I art, fix breakfast, blog, check FB until 10 am. It helps me stay peaceful and calm and all those Christmassy things they say we ought to be.
A person could volunteer, but I haven’t got into this one. I am always full of good intentions. Perhaps later. A person could make sure they call one family member a day on the twelve days before Christmas. I am doing this. I have the list of who to call, some days I have to double up.
I simply breathe through it, sometimes, when it gets heavy. Sometimes I go outside for a little walk late in the night. I try to remember I can only control what I can control. Even amidst serious uncertainty, I try to do something that brings me true joy, true peace... of course, art.
There has to be some sadness, some sense of loss that flits in and out during the holidays. We have all lived. We have all lost. And, of course, we have loved. And sometimes love and loss are combined. We honor them that we could not possibly spend Christmas with other than in sweet memories. Deflect the ones that are sad…forcing myself to think happy thoughts should be a mantra of mine and I work hard to make sure I do such.
How about you? It is healthy to have some times where sadness might slip in under the cracks. Do they for you? Do we honor them? Do we need to?
©Carol Desjarlais 12. 15.22
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