“Managing Your Diabetes Is Not A Science, It Is An Art.” – unknown
It is 3:00 in the morning and I am eating exactly one-half cup of steamed veggies because I have to get my calorie count above 700 today. It is a struggle. I have a new critical inner voice, loader, and more vehement, than the first, and I talk back to her constantly. I had no idea that diabetes would suddenly take over my life and cause me to compulsively list-taking, being libre2 numbers-conscious (wearable monitor) , considering every bite that goes in your mouth and being bombarded with the beeping of blood sugar on that monitor. I felt better BEFORE the doctor decided that my AV1 was maintaining at 17.9. After three tries of different medication, going into toxic shock, t wo hospitalizations (one by ambulance) and finally surrendering to “idon’tknowwhattoeatandwhatNOTtoeat” other than sugars. Suddenly, after five months of struggle, I have given up the struggle and stop using food as comfort. Suddenly, I have to force myself to eat most days. My drug of choice, popcorn, has become abhorrent to me. I have tried making all my favorite meals, most I simply cannot swallow the first bite. I have alarm and alert beeping all day and through the night. They have not gotten the blood sugars under control with the newest medication. I have the “Dawn Syndrome down pat. It is why I am eating steamed vegetables at 1:30 am – usually it is 3 am on the dot.
I had neuropathy since 1998 and was ready to have my feet sawed off, until that became a reality. For some reason, not even the doctors connected my heart problems to diabetes. Now, with all the danged tests, they have made me feel sicker than before I knew what it was.
Within all this is a sense of shame, guilt, hopelessness, hunger, anger, denial and the Beep goes on. I am getting past the sense of being scrutinized and judged by outside eyes. Now, my own body judges me. We were once told not to be connected to our body consciousness…and now, it is all about that. Being connected to your “Body Talk” is not a kind thing. I talk back, of course, but, then , sadly, give in, put the iPhone up to my batwing and write down the numbers and either eat something to bring it up or eat something to bring it down. The nausea and dizziness is my new constant friend. There is no disconnection any more.
With a diabetes diagnosis, I find that it happens when we least expect it, and suddenly we become totally aware that the body tames us, controls us, and takes away our personal body power. Now, monitors and medications control me, or try to. I am not easily controlled even in this. My life it totally controlled by the beeping or the drop sound of my monitor. I have no time to consider spiritual things, except when Dawn Syndrome happens (every danged night) and I am up and trying to fill the dark with lights and blogging and arting. It is then, I can focus on reawakening the Divine Goddess within. Everyone needs mothering, at some point, and right now, in the middle of the night, I need mothering and soi I do art and blog and research and try to awaken that comforting nurturing that only comes when I can focus on it all.
I am almost 75 years old and I might be, finally, ‘getting it”. Right now, I am very connected to the physical. I am researching, so that is intellectual. I do not feel emotional ass there is a bit of disconnect because I dare not hope this new med is going to work and I do not want to be disappointed. The spiritual happens in the night… so, I am trying. I am making huge changes in my lifestyle because I am being forced too. I am changing patterns of behavior and feel a bit introverted in this personal health crises. At the moment I feel stuck in this up and down life of blood sugars. I think the mot spiritual and connected I feel s when I go outside in the dark where my mini-lights are blinking and there is soft light around my little garden area. I listen to the night sounds. I surge, thrilled, when I hear the first morning songs of birds, and my soul surges towards the beauty of it. For now, that is enough connection and I am building on that. Dings and drop sounds cannot take that away from me as I leave the phone inside.
Blessed be your way of connecting. When do you feel soul/spiritual connections?
©Carol Desjarlais 5.19.22
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