Journaling your Calmness

Everything we see speaks of being calm, having dignity, having grace, letting go, accepting, surrendering, whatever...yadda..yadda...yadda...  As if it was as easy as reading or being sent a cliché that means nothing but more guilt, shame, fear, isolation, and all the other things that true calm could never hold.  

Look, we were not meant to have smooth sailing.  Life has always been hard.  Some generations had it harder than we do, for sure.  And I can ride in a boat on "de Nile" as well as anyone else.  But, denial is not the way to go.  Acceptance, kind of.  Surrender, kind of.  I have always refused anyone having control over me, rebelled, ranted, raved, yes all of those when someone tries to usurp my self-control.  I do not need others to always tell me what I shoulda , coulda, woulda, do;  my Inner Critic/EIW has a big loud voice when I give it to her.  Sometimes you just need to let things happen. 

That was hard the other night when I felt like I needed to go help, protect, comfort, soothe, watch over, my youngest daughter in her own time of crises enough to break most.  I had to calm myself and do what I could ( smudge three bundles of sage and pray) and have some faith in her.  It worked.  I was calm.  She knew what to do.  Crappy things happen to all of us, sometimes whole manure loader's worth.  But knowing 'that is one huge pile of crap on me', is the first step to finding your calm place.  It taught me about how I think I can save people and I have no way to.  It taught me to calm down and truly have faith in her and myself.  Man, I could have worked myself up into a driving-all-night flurry.  I let calm take me over with the smudge and then came in and made a cup of Chai.  read a book while watching television ( yes, I multitask calm too) Ah, calm.

Our whole life over stimulates us. For a hyped up noise junkie like me, it can finally wear us down.  I have begun to enjoy my solitude and times at night when there is me and the quiet (ok, television still on some benign show, sound turned down) and I am doodling.   I spent 3/4 of life in a high stress situations, 3/4 of that was in high stress career, so noise and flicker is part of my personal need now.  I know it is not healthy to have some sound around me, because that raises the level of stress to the body and neurons. But absolute stillness soon haunts me in many ways, so it does not calm me down any more.  I am sure there will time enough for absolute quiet in upcoming years, and/or lifetimes. (See, denial IS my boat.)  I do know that it does not leave much room for other normal stressors.  It is strange that crowds make me sweat, without me realizing, at first, what that is all about.  My body is not used to calm and I must learn more about a gray area here.  

Calm is about just letting gratitude settle, as well.  I have no time for past or future fussing, I am doing my best to stay present and catching triggers that do not like calmness.  We hear enough fussing about Past and we all have them and we can let those fill up our stress meter, or we can learn to acknowledge things that come up (triggers that try to pull you back there to some stressor) and then, for goodness sakes, let it rest.  Yes, we prepare for our futures, but some of us do so in minute detail.  I plan to make sure, if something happens to my partner, I am taken care of and I have a way and place to go to where I want to be.  I plan paycheck to paycheck.  I allow time for future spur-of-the-moment crises and good times.  I refuse to let that grind down my ability to keep trying to stay calmer.  

I have patience until I don't have patience.  Again, I am a slow burn, and I can be very patient, but let things build up and poof, there goes any patience I tried to have.  And, needless to say, I have no patience with no patience.  I have to slow myself down, slow my thinking down, just slow the heck down when I am excited, feeling stressed, and most times.  I need to rein myself in, betimes.  I am a passionate person and I think faster than I can do or speak, so I consciously try to keep a steady pace.  

Staying realistic is huge, rather than where I used to end up - in frenzied catastrophizing.  (dangit, that is so a word). I gave up on wishing things would, could, should be different, and took my lumps as they may land.  I despise posts about conspiracy theories.. (lord have mercy, I cannot save the world, I working on saving myself).  I stopped fussing over money...if I have it, I have it:  if I don't I don't.  Long ago I gave up blaming anything or anybody for any misfortune that hits.. I make my decisions, I live with them..bad decision - serves me right.. Try again.  If I did not do these things, I would have been paralyzed and nothing would ever change and progress.  things happen...stay calm.  Don't sweat over little stuff... I say, constantly when I feel defense rising, It's ok to be right and not force it.  I no longer compare myself to others.  What I have, I have.  What I don't, I don't.  It is just the way things are when they are.  I am learning, more and more, all the time, to simply adapt.  People either like me or they don't.  (Most of the time there is a twinge or two, but I set it all aright.  I am perfectly me whoever I am.  I do not have to do everything in a hurry.  I am in control, not my emotions.  This all sounds good, in practice... and I will be practicing all my life.  I get better at it all the time.  So here I am, holding a cup of Chai..again and again.

I have spent a couple of nights making wonky faces.  I added it and wonky arms, and bits of print on napkins that I collaged on...  easy peasy, honest.  Stay calm and give "Calm" a page of its own in your journal. 

©Carol Desjarlais 8.29.19