Journaling Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses. - Brene Brown

To be vulnerable is to expose self, or be exposed, to being hurt.  It is interesting that some definitions say "succumb to temptation".  Didn't that raise the hair on the back of my neck.  Church getting involved (temptation of Eve) in even our definitions.  Wait, that is not new.  It always has dictated society.  It speaks of being delicate, of not being able to deal with criticism, not being able to deal with harshness, and other furfural.  I believe that our vulnerability is what allowed first man to be in first woman's life and that has come down the ages.  No children would have been born, but for sure, not second children.    Yes, we are emotional beings.  Our emotions are seen as weakness; a man's emotions are seen as being passionate, strong.  There are exceptions to that but I know I KNOW strong women who rose because of vulnerability, and became stronger than ever.

To be vulnerable is to expose ourselves to being taken advantage of, to being victimized, to being exploited.  (Think advertising).  Yes, we have hormonal charges and this does make us more vulnerable, emotionally. This , too, make us vulnerable.  I am just thinking that being woman makes us vulnerable, of course, and minorities more vulnerable than the rest. 

It does not matter whether we are professional and successful in a man's world.  It does not matter if we are simply a loving homemaker nurturing children.  It does not matter if we are single, young, or old, whatever.  We are vulnerable because of our gender...still. 

Every day, every female is out there and vulnerable.  If we are strong, we are vulnerable to being called selfish.  We are dedicated to our families, to our sister-friends, to those we love and care about.  We are vulnerable to our partners, and, yes, to our children.  We will be hurt and will rise and chance being vulnerable again.  We are vulnerable to every decision and every consequence that comes.  We accept our emotions and we honor them, even this makes us vulnerable, even to each other.  We are vulnerable because we will try new things and accept our successes and failures with grace.  We earnestly seek that which will have us happy.  We even accept conditions where we know the final outcome will hurt.  (Senior women marrying older men, and the reality that women outlive men.. yes, we are vulnerable to that, as well.)  And, yet, no matter how vulnerable it has us, we will do it all again.  We deal with our hurts and our victimization and we stand up, brush ourselves off, and get back into living our lives again. 

We also know when to give something up.  Yes, some will soldier on, hoping for the best, and put ourselves in the path of being wounded again and again.  We know about moving on, no matter how it hurts.  I have often said, that if I knew how horrible getting a divorce would have been, I might not have done that.  Leaving makes us vulnerable to many arenas of life.  I have a face book friend, a young woman, who speaks to this year of leaving with her baby girl, from a very abusive relationship, and she is trying, lord, have mercy, she is trying, and she speaks to the reality of how scary and hard and how vulnerable she is.  She is a mighty woman, willing to go through whatever she must to protect her children.  She is not alone in this.  Many of us have.  It is, in her vulnerability, that many of us reach out to her, as women do.

We will take the blame for things we are /were not guilty of because it is just easier than keeping conflict going.  We are solution-finders.  We believe in what we believe no matter the consequences.  We believe even when others give up on us.  And, we are grateful for the lessons that place us in places of vulnerability.  We take little for granted.  We are honest even when honesty is difficult.  We are true to our hearts, to our very souls, and will take stands where others fear to tread.  We are willing to show our flaws and our vulnerability in order to help others know we never need to be perfect, that we can have our faults, like they do.  This can bring on some like a pack of wild dogs nipping at our heels, but we refuse to stop.  Strong women do this every moment of every day.  Of course, there are those who are not resilient, or those who have been battered down into their fear(s).  Yes, I have been that too, as we all have, betimes. 

When vulnerability becomes a huge dark cloud, we still stand in the midst of it, and still, as Maya Angelo said:  "We Rise".  Yes, there are those who celebrate that we fall.  Yes, we can be cruelest to those who we have seen strong and then fall.  Yes, sometimes that happens, more often than not.  Yes, we turn that vulnerability into great strengths, sometimes quiet strengths, but we do.  Man Hand's niece had three children.  She lost her baby girl to crib death.  Then because of a horrible accident, her youngest son was paralyzed and she kept him home, on life support, and tended him for decades until he succumbed.  Then, within another decade, she lost her two uncles she was close to, her mother and then, her only son she had left, yet she stands.  She is hurt and wounded and vulnerable to God, to life, to everything, and yet she stands.  I am honored to love such a woman.  She is an absolute inspiration to everyone that lives, as far as I am concerned. 

When we share our vulnerabilities with others, we become comfort, a safe haven, for those who flail as well.  Pretending that we have no vulnerabilities, nor have succumbed to vulnerabilities, is sacrilege to our gender.  We owe it to show our authentic selves and make space for others to be able to receive comfort from us. "Fake it 'til you make it", is a horrible ideology.   Those that do this cannot be truly deeply trusted because they will deny your vulnerability as well.  Yes, I have said this to myself, over and over, but no more.  It is time to be an elder and be a safe space for others.  I robbed others for being strong for me, for caring, sharing, and coming to me when they were vulnerable.  Be your beautiful vulnerable self.

In your journal, can you express vulnerability?  For my page, I used up some of my stash ( I am vulnerable to building my stash, just sayin') and tore bits and pieces to glue down on my page.  Going to Wal-Mart and buying some mod podge is cheap and great glue to use.  Let it dry completely.  Then, I added a portrait from an old art journal challenge that I did not like the background for, so I tore and cut it out and glued it down for my main focus on my page.  Then (you might want to go to a dollar store or Walmart and pick up some basic colors of cheap acrylics, and some cheap brushes) I watered down bits of acrylic and did a wash over all but main focal points.  Then I added stickers and whatever else showed up in my stash.  Then I added some lettering.  Easy peasy, honest.  You could use cut-outs from magazines or your own little faces, etc.  The main thing is to journal your feelings about vulnerability. 

Find the peaceful place, sister-friends.  xoxoxo

©Carol Desjarlais 8.27.19