"Can we, in the process of keeping a journal, begin to
change the stories we tell ourselves and the stories we live?" - Alfred DePew
How do we change the stories we tell ourselves to
our authentic story? Do we escape history,
fate, by telling ourselves stories that are not holistically true? I have a sense that we tell our stories
(well-edited and scripted) in ways to sense that we have had purpose down here
on earth. Why do we fear NOT having
purpose? Have we been conditioned to be "driven"? I have been thinking of this.
Can we live life to the true fullest if we are
carefully scripting and forcefully guiding ourselves to work, diligently,
towards a purpose? Is it true we will
not know who we are? Do we have to stay
totally committed to staying focused? I
have come to the age where my only goal left is to die with grace and dignity. I no longer need to be driven. If I have not found my passion yet, it is a
bit late to enjoy it. Surely it should
be clear to me, and anyone else who knows me, what I lived for. I know what I am grateful for and what I
value. But, what about the story I tell
of who I have been, who I am, and who I will, most likely, always be? Do we fear to tell our true stories because
we do not trust others? Ah, therein lies
the chink. Am I still concerned about what others will think of me? What the heck should I still care?
We are changing every moment of every day of our
life. So, it is a given that my story
changes as well. I am not who I was a
moment ago. In the end, I am not going
to be here to defend my story. I have,
however, written, and published, the story up until 2006 and my maternal birth
family finding me. That will have to
stand as My Story. (A Narrative
Identity, a Auto-fictional bit, most likely, for I was seeing/expressing my
life through filtered lenses even then.)
Like an AA meeting, many want their story to be one
bit more gruesome or fantastic than the first teller of their own story. Others flower it up and completely
deny/forget the things in their life that shows how brave and courageous and
what lessons they learned. When one is
telling their story, they are making choices about what to disclose and what
not to, as if there were, and probably will be, those who will make judgments
accordingly. What gives us authenticity
is telling the tapestry and weaving of events that happened, that we caused to
happen, that we grew from and what defined us in many ways. When I wrote my story "Shhhhh: A Creation Story", I started taking
notes of memories on sheets of paper and cards.
Then I grouped them together and that became the chapters of
extraordinary and ordinary events in my life.
(No gory details) Throughout the
book, a poem conveys more of the emotions and events that are best left mostly
vague yet poignant in its insinuations.
I wanted to have my say about who I was, am, will be. I did not want everything left to other's
perceptions of me.
As I edited and edited and edited again, my story
developed and I was more and more able to understand how I came to be who I was
at the publishing of the story. The
therapy of having my say was awesome!
This is what led me to know my purpose and I continue to grow and have experiences
that are publishing-worthy; yet, I seem to be more guarded about what I share
now. (**On being 'found' by both
maternal and, now, paternal families).
I believe we all need to have our say. It is a huge project. Do not leave it too long. It begins with journaling exercises and
eventually the stories flow from you. The
editing process gets you closer to your truths.
It is a worthy endeavor.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.13.19
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