Journaling Expectations

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, ‘For a man, you’re very ignorant.’ — Anne Hathaway

Once, a good woman was one who sat back and said nothing, nor was anything she said of value.  Some were arm candy, some were 'kept pregnant and barefoot' as the saying goes.  Victorian women lived under such strict protocol for women.  Women, through the ages were to be seen not heard, submissive, and not to have an opinion of value.  In the 50s, women were to please their husband, nurture their children, keep a spotless house and children, and nurse egos of their men.  Right up until the 60s, women were not equal to men.  Today, the struggle is still real with the 'me too' movement, for example.  (Note:  men also had their formal protocols through the ages, but first and foremost was to protect their women and children, and to provide for them.)  Today a woman is expected to work all day to help provide for a family and then come home and do all the work it takes to still fulfill old ideals about what women were supposed to do.  Women's needs are still not as worthy as a man's ego. Mothers are still blamed for children who do not fall into their expected roles.   (Yes, there are exceptions, as always.)  How much have we gained?

I wish for women to be soulful women, one who listens to her soul, lives her true character, who are wild in all the right ways, who do not live by others' expectations, but lives her own authentic life.  

I wish for women that they are grounded in the present, who are supported by other women, who acknowledges her own wisdom, and listens to the guidance of her own soul.  I wish that society does not dictate and encourage us to be other than we truly are.  I wish for women to express herself in whatever creative expression that suits her mind, heart and soul.  

I wish that women could find their peace, can find their worth, can allow that which does not fit her soul to simply be cast off and chose to keep those things that truly fit her soul.  I wish her soft, for her to embrace her femininity without have sexual predilections have anything to do with it.  I wish for the calm and thrill of gathering as sisters in groups that inspire, that empower, and that truly sustain us. 

I wish for sister-friends to remember why we were created, to be a gift and a companion to other sisters and others in the world.  I wish for us to feel, right to our bones, that we are necessary and for us to gather strength from that.  I wish for us to be brave, to be courageous, to be strong in all the ways a woman can be such.  I wish for us to know what we want to take on to our God, to our next life, to whatever place we go after finishing this life.  I wish for women to know what their roles are eternal, not just for today or tomorrow but forever rather than what we think we needed yesterday, or today, or tomorrow.

And, our true nature will have us know things so much deeper than mind.  We know things of the heart, the soul, that has been passed down to us, that has us evolve into the Rainbow Women, the healers of the world down here in this hard place.  I wish we could share together, dream together, laugh and cry and be truly compassionate for each other.  I wish us to understand each other, without words, the WHY of what we each do.  I wish us to celebrate each other.  I wish that we seek the core soulfulness of our maternal ancestors.   

I wish for us to remember what exhausts us, what causes us anxiety, what we are driven to do that is driven by those with agendas.  I wish us to give away our power to no earthly thing.  I wish us to listen to the hurting sisters of the world and try to be their balm for all the hard things living this life can hand women.  

I wish for us to not feel a burden, nor cause a burden, to other women.  I wish for us to focus on nurturing ourselves and each other.  I wish for our energy to be put towards loving, nurturing, healing each other so we might all, in turn heal two women, and they heal two women.. and so on.  I wish for us to be strong enough to rebuke those who take away our inner calm, our inner peace, our inner dignity.   I wish for us to create and in creating, find our prayer, our meditation, our connection with higher powers and high souls.  

I wish for us to be aware of the energy and vibrations we send out into the world.  I wish for each of us to have a soul that sings, a soul that craves to heal others, a soul that craves and makes strong connections to sisters who fit in each of our tribes.  I wish for all these things to become our driving force, where no woman is judged for not fitting into societal views and manipulation.  

I wish, when we fail, that other sisters would rush to our sides and help us rise.  I wish that, when we fall, we are lifted by the grace of other sisters who are strong in those moments.  I wish, when we fall, we are given time to rise when we are strong enough to stay risen.    I wish for women who are guiding lights.  I wish that we would seek those women truly worth emulating for they hold wisdom, depth of empathy, and height of soul and have surrendered earthy concerns for spiritual concerns.  I wish for women, who have been downed by old storms, to have been cleansed , and in that cleansing be a beacon to those of us who need hope to carry on.  I wish for women to hold to those who hold her until they can hold themselves.  

I wish for us to not concern ourselves with expectations the greedy world would press us down with.  I wish for us to have personal spiritual expectations for ourselves and not expect that of any other.  

I wish this for us all, sister-friends. In fact, I expect it!

Can you express a wish, an expectation, you have?  To make my journal entry, I used bits and pieces of the deli papers that I have used as palette.  Things do not have to look exactly like a photograph.  Sometimes we can stretch, we can use exceptions to the rules to get a character, a portrait.   

© Carol Desjarlais 9.1.19

Journaling Dreaming Big

“If your dream is a big dream, and if you want your life to work on the high level that you say you do, there's no way around doing the work it takes to get you there.” ― Joyce Chapman

Living in this world today, means that we will all face rejection, loss, failure, and hurt in many different ways.  There are many forms of jargons and clichés that are abundant.  But, sometimes, it does not reach your soul, your dreams, unless the dreams are fraught with 'the stuff of life'.  

A child( or children) can break a mother's heart without even acting out loud.  This is huge for many mothers today.  Friends can suddenly drop away. You become snubbed by groups, or feel so.  These things really have us in turmoil as we start to question how shameful, how guilty, how unworthy we are. (Never mind the rejection, loss, abuse we might be recipients of from hurting or lost relationships.)  We, so easily turn things in on ourselves, or move into the blame game of denial.  

Loneliness is deadly for aging women.  The longer we refuse, can't figure out how to, or are physically unable to connect with others, there are ways out and it is up to us to make connections.  The longer we isolate ourselves, the easier it is to do so.  We move into self-defeating troubles so easily, as well.  It is not a game; you are showing anyone how much you don't care.  We all have our ways of isolating ourselves.   In fact, when we become isolationists, we lose a great gift, our empathy!  

One of our basic needs is to connect with others.  Many of us have been wounded, bent a little, broken a lot.  We move around in life with so many unresolved issues dragging behind us like sad ribbons.  We fear.  But, there is not one of us that has not faced other fears and won, knowing that the outcome was not as bad as we feared it was.  Apologize, fix it, do your part in the issue.  You have no need to drag those ribbons along like dead tissue.

Again, stop over thinking everything.  Stop having others solved your problems.  We are not new born babies in need of saving, in need of total support to live.  A nightmare, truly as you abdicate the outcomes of solving things for yourself.  Yes, we have all failed at things.  Yes, we have been guilty of stuff we own.  Yes, we have made mistakes.  Yes, we are fully aware of stuff we have not fixed, healed from, but that does not mean you should not.  Wouldn't it be nice to take our dying breath with a smile on our face?  Believe me, I do not want to enter the next life scowling and ranting and raving...again, and again.  I do not want to take my final breath weeping, either.  Lord, have mercy; I want to be joyful...at last, at last!  I am taking no chances we carry crap over to the other side with us.  

We need to laugh, to love, to commune, to care, to give service.  Love Mother Earth and love each other was our first rule down here on earth, before all the rules and phrases that came in normal living and we were not.    We are born with will power, with mindfulness, with problem-solving skills, with vulnerabilities. We were all born with good intentions.  It was up to us to use those.  Change our thoughts, change our being.

One thing we have forgotten that involves all of above, is that we have forgotten to dream big; to plan adventures, to find people who are of like mind, to build our spirituality, to live every day as full as it can be.  And, then to rest, to heal, to dream up something new to try, however small a project.  

After reading this blog, turn to your journal.  In some way, express Dream Big.

This journal page is your call.

Do not forget to share in the a little goddess in all group on Face Book.  We help others as we help ourselves.

love and light, sister-friends,

©Carol Desjarlais 8.31.19

Painting done with Christy Sobolewski

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_kjHVUXx3ynN7xZl2rb80Q

Journaling your Calmness

Everything we see speaks of being calm, having dignity, having grace, letting go, accepting, surrendering, whatever...yadda..yadda...yadda...  As if it was as easy as reading or being sent a cliché that means nothing but more guilt, shame, fear, isolation, and all the other things that true calm could never hold.  

Look, we were not meant to have smooth sailing.  Life has always been hard.  Some generations had it harder than we do, for sure.  And I can ride in a boat on "de Nile" as well as anyone else.  But, denial is not the way to go.  Acceptance, kind of.  Surrender, kind of.  I have always refused anyone having control over me, rebelled, ranted, raved, yes all of those when someone tries to usurp my self-control.  I do not need others to always tell me what I shoulda , coulda, woulda, do;  my Inner Critic/EIW has a big loud voice when I give it to her.  Sometimes you just need to let things happen. 

That was hard the other night when I felt like I needed to go help, protect, comfort, soothe, watch over, my youngest daughter in her own time of crises enough to break most.  I had to calm myself and do what I could ( smudge three bundles of sage and pray) and have some faith in her.  It worked.  I was calm.  She knew what to do.  Crappy things happen to all of us, sometimes whole manure loader's worth.  But knowing 'that is one huge pile of crap on me', is the first step to finding your calm place.  It taught me about how I think I can save people and I have no way to.  It taught me to calm down and truly have faith in her and myself.  Man, I could have worked myself up into a driving-all-night flurry.  I let calm take me over with the smudge and then came in and made a cup of Chai.  read a book while watching television ( yes, I multitask calm too) Ah, calm.

Our whole life over stimulates us. For a hyped up noise junkie like me, it can finally wear us down.  I have begun to enjoy my solitude and times at night when there is me and the quiet (ok, television still on some benign show, sound turned down) and I am doodling.   I spent 3/4 of life in a high stress situations, 3/4 of that was in high stress career, so noise and flicker is part of my personal need now.  I know it is not healthy to have some sound around me, because that raises the level of stress to the body and neurons. But absolute stillness soon haunts me in many ways, so it does not calm me down any more.  I am sure there will time enough for absolute quiet in upcoming years, and/or lifetimes. (See, denial IS my boat.)  I do know that it does not leave much room for other normal stressors.  It is strange that crowds make me sweat, without me realizing, at first, what that is all about.  My body is not used to calm and I must learn more about a gray area here.  

Calm is about just letting gratitude settle, as well.  I have no time for past or future fussing, I am doing my best to stay present and catching triggers that do not like calmness.  We hear enough fussing about Past and we all have them and we can let those fill up our stress meter, or we can learn to acknowledge things that come up (triggers that try to pull you back there to some stressor) and then, for goodness sakes, let it rest.  Yes, we prepare for our futures, but some of us do so in minute detail.  I plan to make sure, if something happens to my partner, I am taken care of and I have a way and place to go to where I want to be.  I plan paycheck to paycheck.  I allow time for future spur-of-the-moment crises and good times.  I refuse to let that grind down my ability to keep trying to stay calmer.  

I have patience until I don't have patience.  Again, I am a slow burn, and I can be very patient, but let things build up and poof, there goes any patience I tried to have.  And, needless to say, I have no patience with no patience.  I have to slow myself down, slow my thinking down, just slow the heck down when I am excited, feeling stressed, and most times.  I need to rein myself in, betimes.  I am a passionate person and I think faster than I can do or speak, so I consciously try to keep a steady pace.  

Staying realistic is huge, rather than where I used to end up - in frenzied catastrophizing.  (dangit, that is so a word). I gave up on wishing things would, could, should be different, and took my lumps as they may land.  I despise posts about conspiracy theories.. (lord have mercy, I cannot save the world, I working on saving myself).  I stopped fussing over money...if I have it, I have it:  if I don't I don't.  Long ago I gave up blaming anything or anybody for any misfortune that hits.. I make my decisions, I live with them..bad decision - serves me right.. Try again.  If I did not do these things, I would have been paralyzed and nothing would ever change and progress.  things happen...stay calm.  Don't sweat over little stuff... I say, constantly when I feel defense rising, It's ok to be right and not force it.  I no longer compare myself to others.  What I have, I have.  What I don't, I don't.  It is just the way things are when they are.  I am learning, more and more, all the time, to simply adapt.  People either like me or they don't.  (Most of the time there is a twinge or two, but I set it all aright.  I am perfectly me whoever I am.  I do not have to do everything in a hurry.  I am in control, not my emotions.  This all sounds good, in practice... and I will be practicing all my life.  I get better at it all the time.  So here I am, holding a cup of Chai..again and again.

I have spent a couple of nights making wonky faces.  I added it and wonky arms, and bits of print on napkins that I collaged on...  easy peasy, honest.  Stay calm and give "Calm" a page of its own in your journal. 

©Carol Desjarlais 8.29.19

Journaling Genuine Courage

                                

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences—good and bad.  Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as ‘ordinary courage.'” - Brene Brown

Sometimes we are so focused that we forget what bravery, what courage, what strength it has taken, what overloads us, because we are merely slogging through.  Other times, we can look back and honor what it took.  But, even though we know we have courage etal., it all slowly fades into another time (maybe decades) before we find ourselves struggling with emotional pain.  We have to be honest here.  We do struggle.  Everyone does, from time to time.  Some have gotten different kinds of support.  Some have not and they live a life in the stew of emotional pain.  Sometimes it feels like forever.  Time can feel like it stands still.  Somehow we gather up our courage again and we make it through....again...

Another need for bravery and courage presents itself, and it comes as if a dump truck spilled its load on you.  It is horrible.  It seems not to end.  You are barely coming up for air and another one hits.  We can only take so much and then we go beyond bent and we break.  I am not talking about every day, ordinary, stresses or clinical depression, etc.  I am talking about episodic anxiety that hits and hits and hits and then is released and we get up and dust our self off and gather ourselves up again.  It is those really dark nights of the soul for a few nights. It is those short term episodes of omg I cannot bear this and then you or something solves the problems and poof: anxiety gone.  

Sometimes episodic emotional pain can has up crawl off into our own personal cave and we stay there, trying to deal with the pain on our own, until we can't.  Sometimes we cannot think or work or sleep or be because the emotional pain hits so hard.  It is usually around death, other losses, abuse, (yes, adult bullying). We try our best to remain a responsible adult but the heart of it is rough and there is pain.  Somehow we manage but it hurts, everything hurts, sound, movement, space, time hurts.  

When we are in the grips of emotional pain, we are in a silent struggle for safety, release, peace.  We are not suicidal, in fact, that does not enter our mind.  We are wading into trying to get a grip, feeling guilt, shame, and all the negatives, when we are in the grip of that that calls for bravery and courage we do not think we possess and we feel even worse.  Somehow we got the memo that emotional pain is weakness, the devil within, the 'whatever'...not acceptable. But, something within takes over and we do get through it.  

When I feel things building, I have learned to art it out.  I have learned to nurture self.  I have learned to make a cup or two of Chai and sit with it.  I talk to it.  I talk to myself in silent women's language.  I find the more I take control, the less control the stressor has over me.    There are no magic pills or buttons or words or flowers or anything that is for everywoman.  Each of us have our ways to get through things and no one size fits all.  What might drive me to my knees is not necessarily what would drive someone else to their knees in emotional pain.  I become more decisive.  I see alternatives and the consequences more clearly, as I take hold of Self.  I do not necessarily listen to others opinions, but I listen to those with authentic genuine hearts that know to listen...just listen...just talking to someone can sometimes release the feelings of episodic hopelessness.  They know we are not usually like this and even if we do not tell the whole story, we speak, and speaking about our pain lessens it.  

 Genuine courage sits on the seams of our heart and waits for us to call on it. 

Four years ago, I used up all the courage and bravery I had in the five weeks losing Man Hands.  I had nothing left.  Rather than compassion, I was met with a hurt person's hurtful response to it all.  I understand now.  Grief can have you do weird crazy things.  Add the weeks of home hospice all by myself.  Add no sleep and little food.  Add my sweetheart's final death.  Add a life having to be moved in twenty-four hours.  Add four dear dear friends, and I got through until my daughter flew there.  Adding them, helped me move into a numbness.  The numbness took weeks, months, but, I was grasping for every bit of courage and bravery and hope I could muster, whereas in the beginning of the worst emotional pain, I had nothing of.  Without friends and my daughter, I would never have made it through.  Over the months I moved into grief and loss and abandonment and rejection.  By October, I had been able to make some decisions on my own.  I went from so much emotional pain that I no longer knew myself, to someone who could bear going it alone.  

Needing courage is all wrapped and tied around with fear, huge fear.  Knowing what that fear is; honoring it; finding a way to understand that fear; is paramount to eventual dissipation of the worst pain.  To gather it, I had to bravery (blindly), accept that I was broken, and still move on and then courage came to lift me up.  Somewhere deep inside is inner wisdom, inner self-worth, inner sense of strength.  Being genuinely courageous does not mean the fear is not there.  It means that we accept the emotional pain, honor it, and then allow it to scroll up from within and comfort us, spur us on through the healing process.  Hmm...yes, trusting others to hold us up until we can gain our own feet, is seriously important, and then trusting ourselves to continue on through the healing process.

What do you have the courage to do?  When do you honor your emotional pain?  Where do you cry?  Why do you cry?  Do you rant and rave ( I can, for sure, but not at anyone...merely walk in circles cussing like a fisherman's wife)  Where is your courage?  What do you do to gather courage?  How do you remain authentic and genuinely honest about courage?

Can you journal this?  You can see, I simply collaged my art journal page, and wrote a bit.  I know what this all means, what losses it represents, and that is enough to keep me building bravery and courage for another time, should emotional pain come to visit.  

Love and light.

©Carol Desjarlais 8.8.19