“When
I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get
back up, and say, ‘Damn. That really hurt, but this is important to me and
I’m going in again’—my gut reaction is, ‘What a badass.’”
-Brene Brown
I learned to love myself a little more when I watched this Netflix special. I realized I had been brave when I did not even know it.
So, when I did the hard thing deciding whether to get involved with The Bee Man, I realized, since he is almost nine years older than me, that I was headed for another heartbreak if I did it, because women usually live longer than men. I would rather have died than go through Man Hand's five weeks of death. Yet, here I am, carefully guarding my heart, which is so unfair, but the reality. I cannot ever sink to that depth again. Focusing on it will never help and so I go merrily along, being kind, gentle and compassionate and serve him as he deserves, yet not ever opening completely up. I cannot seem to change that; perhaps I could but I do not want to. We are not teenagers, or young people, we are elderly and companionship is the main focus on this relationship.
When you get to be my age, there are many reasons to slip back into the sorrows, but I simply cannot let old wishes, hopes, dreams, needs, dump on my today. I do not know what tomorrow brings so I need to hang on to the courage I have today. I have to make each day worth being here. I refuse to let my Evil Inner Witch take charge because she has the memory of an elephant. She is a nasty thang. She would have me shrivel up with guilt, shame, sorrows. I have to win this major battle because, at heart, I am a giving, loving soul. Yet, I am also an adventurer, a spontaneous person, and one who loves laughter (especially at self). Oh, the stories I have that are worth keeping.
Yes, life is serious. Yes, it takes guts to stay here. Life down here IS hard but those moments of peace, love, light and laughter. They help build up my courage. And, as long as I can, I will do what needs be done. I have chosen this. I will fight for it. I am danged brave.
How are you brave? Have you watched this presentation? Oh, do, and learn what is so awesome about yourself. xoxo sister-friends.
©Carol Desjarlais 4.25.19
Love to you sister friend. Yes, love is different for me, now also, better that's for sure. I understand what you are saying. I will check out that Netflix special.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The death of my Desjarlais relationship, even though I have not been around him since 1984, seemed to trigger some of this, as well. I, also, took a brave step in allowing wishes, hopes and dreams for someone to simply pass by. I can name a thousand thousand ways I have been brave. xoxoxo
DeleteAs life moves on we must challenge ourselves. Guts and glory until the end. Forever a gypsy. Onwards we go. Who knows what lies ahead, all we can do is change the present.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, my sister. And it will take some kind of courage and bravery every day as wee plow through these last days. You, too, are a model of courage and bravery and I am so proud of you. xoxoxoxo
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