Fading

“People around us are fading away and we see it happening every single day but we don’t stop to take a look lest someone does the same to us.”
― Nitya Prakash

I have a sense of some of life fading away.  I am fading in so many areas of my life.  It is a given we will fade.  It is a given that many will rebel and rankle and ruin things in our reason not to fade.  We can deny it.  We can ignore it, we can hide it, but, inevitably, we fade.  lately, the things I DO NOT WANT to do are becoming things I CANNOT do.  Good thing I have built up things that motivate me that I can lean into as I age.  While many begin to slip into feeling physically colder, I want to make sure I stay intellectually, emotionally and spiritually warm.

Our arteries are aging.  No doubt about it.  Our bones are aging.  We slowly begin to realize that our internal sense of self does not always match the external factors.  I simply am experiencing lower motivation, energy and stamina for physical things.  Our elasticity of skin and ligaments and balance and physical sensations are changing.  What made us physically vivacious in the past, are changing.  It is difficult to accept the physical things I cannot do any more.  I remember my father losing his driver's license and the ensuing loss of that most important ability in his life.  Eventually that loss opens the door to our body and we have to accept there are things we can no longer do.  Hopefully, I have developed things that take up that time that was spent in physical activities.  If all I had to bring me joy was the physical activities, I certainly would slip into that low level depression, resentment, anger that comes with losses.

Intellectually, I do keep myself as sharp as I can.  I find there are slips of time where, if I have not made conscious effort in storing information, I may let it slip.  I have had times, more often, when, if someone tells me something, if I do not make conscious effort to remember it, it may slip my mind. I come from a long line of maternal ancestors who moved into Alzheimer's.  I know this.  I do not worry about it, but I am aware of it, even unconsciously.   Cognitive fading is part of aging.  We can fight it, war can pretend it away, we can fight against it, but, we have to accept it.  It becomes, yet, another challenge.  Much can hasten it, such as stress, illnesses, deprivations, even depression can hasten it.  I research, study, live with an inquiring mind, and so I hope I am feeding my brain the right things to keep it malleable as possible. 

Speaking of depression, it is a side effect of aging.  When we were younger, we had much to keep us too busy to feel, to question, etc.  Later, we feel and have either learned to cope, or not to cope, and thus setting a pattern for our older ages.  I have learned that well-being and a deep sense of well-being is a learned thing.  Our emotions get more stable and we tend to begin to realize that our emotions drive the health of other areas in our lives.  I know I have a problem with motivati9n now.  I never used to.  I would go go go, but now, I am more interest in not going not go go no.  I do know that I am calmer than I ever was.  I think I am becoming less emotional over the small stuff.  I wonder if my goals have changed and so my expectations are lowered.  I tend to self-regulate better.  I, too, have learned to appreciate The Present and am living more Present now more than ever.  I refuse to be a bitter old woman and so I deal with emotions as they come, especially the negative ones.  I tend to have new definitions of emotional saturation levels.  I pay more attention to the 'good' stuff rather than anticipate the negative things.  I think I have learned what is relevant to get emotional about and what is not worth the emotional energy. 

Spiritually, I have learned what may be possible and what may not be spiritually worth it all, as well.  I have given up longings for things, of the past, that do not fit into my Present, or, likely, my future.  My longings have changed.  I now long for comfort, meaning, and connections.  I find myself focusing on things of the spirit more.  There is something hugely restorative in doing activities that strengthen my soul.  I am sure that my decrease in physical activities lends itself to more soulful contemplative activities.  Grief, four years ago, really had me focusing on spiritual (not religious) realms of my very being.  Grief visits more often, every kind of loss comes physically, intellectually, as well.  It does not lead one to consider and obsess over things we might lose, but thoughts of coping with what might come next comes more often.  I have spent time contemplating end of life, and it is absolutely necessary we do so.  There are going to be huge decisions these next few years and I best have a sense of what I might decide on.  We tend to focus more on what loved ones mean to us and building on those relationships.  We get no second chances, eventually.  As we experience fading in our physical capabilities, we begin to lose some of our independence.  This is mightily hard on baby boomer seniors.  We have to learn to accept help and aids.  It is a huge affront to our independence we have worked so hard on having and maintaining.  Spirituality an acceptance goes hand in hand with this.  When we accept, we will find that we realize our Purpose has changed and we fill it with more s0iritual acceptance.  We reflect more on what life is, now, as we begin to lose other things in our lives. We learn to accept that we are, in the end, spiritual beings having an earthly experience, as the old cliché goes.   We begin to become more aware, and, therefore, work on, things we will be remembered for.  There is a sense of great peace from spirituality, whatever it may be. 

Watch us.  We speak of focus on more internal expectations.  We speak from our core of truths more often.  We put more effort in connecting to those who feed our spirits.  We speak of having more patience and finding ways to be quieter and deeper women.  We are far from static and we speak of more important changes in our lives.  We spend more time loving, reflecting and sharing.  God bless our broken road.

©Carol Desjarlais 5.20.19