Mine Field

Mothers and Daughters, the most complex relationship there is, I believe.  Our mothers make us who we are, or definitely, are not!  From the outside, we may look like we have incredible relationships, but there is so much under the shadow of our hearts and souls.  There are boundary issues of massive importance.  There are the testings of boundaries, continually.  It is such a symbiotic relationship and we ebb and flow with each other.

We can have huge communication issues that we probably had happen with 9our mothers, with our daughters.  We say something we think we said and it is taken in light of everything that is going on with the other.  Mothers give words and daughters receive words in their own context.  It can have huge repercussions.  We all have issues.  Boundaries:  As I said:  HUGE!  Boundaries are also passed down by mothers to daughters.  We may resent the heck out of it, but it is so.  Our mothers taught and modeled boundaries or lack thereof.  

My mother was a people-pleaser.  She grew up pleasing her own birth family.  She was the daughter who did not marry until late in life and spent her every day working for the family, providing... yet, always feeling 'not enough' because of a beautiful talented little sister that she could not be.  It is interesting to me, although she was not my birth mother, she taught me to feel like I was 'not enough' and lord knows, it would break her heart to hear that from me.  I tried so hard to please her and then, I tried so hard to not care if I did.  I broke her heart many times.  As I age, I am getting better at boundaries.  I do sense them poor, still, in relationships with some of my children.  I think I will always be afraid they won't love me.  In fact, some don't.  Sons do not like mothers with weak boundaries.  Daughters-in-law get into this quagmire, betimes.   Enough said.

If we had an emotionally detached mother, we learned to be emotionally detached.  The need for validation, for warmth, can have us lacking a sense of validation. What we, as mother or daughter, feel is intrinsically attached to that first great love.   

If we had a mother who dismissed our emotions, we will deal, as daughters and mothers, our selves, with dismissing issues.  We will long for validation all our lives and find ways that seem to appease our psyche, whatever way that is, negative or positive.  We may feel rejected, then we reject.  Our poor daughters.  It is no easy task.  It is a Herculean task, to be a constantly attentive mother, and raise attentive daughters.  The more a mother needs, the more a daughter will need and the more a daughter's daughter will need.  

Emotionally unavailable mothers raise emotionally unavailable daughters, and so on and so on.  Withholding love is taught and passed on as a method of control in relationships.  It can create huge rejection issues.  Someone has to break the cycle as we all, generation by generation remain emotionally needy.

Being a micromanaging mother is also a destructive force in mother daughter relationships.  Helicopter mothers! These kinds of mothers can create an atmosphere of vulnerability, insecurity, trust issues, and helplessness.   

Another kind of mothering/daughtering is enmeshed mothering.  Daughters are expected to make mother proud.  They are demanding mothers.  They are mothers who create perfectionism (and feelings of total failure) in daughters who will never feel 'Enough'.  It can lead to ultimate reprisals of acting out, acting against, acting with competitive psyches.  Blame and Shame are the residuals.  It is no more than emotional abuse.  

As the women's movements grew, so did the Self-involved Mother.  Empathy is lacking and this is passed down to the daughter(s).  This mother teaches and models that how you look, what you do, the opinion of others is more important than the daughter's opinions.  Mothers became so focused on themselves (Finding Self) that daughters got lost in the shuffle.  Manipulation and controlling, no matter the new age thoughts and ideals, happens (ed).  Mother is the Good housekeeping model; her house is spotless, her children are spotless, she is flamboyant, she is looking good from the outside.  But, inside, her crises and panics are severely impacting the daughter who is growing up to seek outside perfection no matter the cost.  Again, feelings, soul, are dismissed and the repercussions are huge!

Another mother might be a promise-breaker.  This kind of mother instills the lack of trust, even in her and leaves a daughter searching for someone to trust but her choices are limited.  The video in her head is stuck there.  She will make promises but buy her daughter gifts to replace the broken trust(s).  This is devastating and leaves a child believing in no one or anything. Leaves her daughter insecure and afraid to have adventures and to risk and experience the natural highs and lows of life's balance.

And then there are mothers who use their own daughter(s) as mother. These daughters will carry the heavy load of themselves and their mother.  They will gain a martyr complex and take care of everyone else for a lifetime without a break in the cycle.  They will be fragile and breakable.  

Lord knows, none of us had a direct course of action when giving births to daughters.  Every woman in the world is experimenting at being mother.  One moment we can do things perfectly, another we will fail miserably, and then our daughters grow up and our relationships are tenuous at best.  Every human being is a mistake-maker.  We have a 50/50 chance.  We are who we are when we are it.  We makes mistakes, we fix them. 

Identify your boundaries.  Realize that your daughter is not you!  She inherited a mother and a father's genes.  We cannot know how exactly the same incident can be transcribed in the soul of another.  We can see the effects of our parenting.  We cannot know our own parenting for it is clouded with two or more points of view. 

 Compassion is necessary, for yourself and your daughter(s).  Your daughter's reactions may not have anything to do with you any more than your reactions have to do with your own mother.  We have spent enough time apologizing, most likely, and to do so over and over again makes you seem weak to your offspring.  They do not need weak... they need strength; the strength to lean into your maternal instinct and truly be a mother.  We are not responsible for our adult daughter's behaviors.  They are adults and must find their way through things with us or without us.  Bottom line, daughters can punish us forever and we cannot change anything other than making distance until they do, if they do, mature and understand their own understanding of relationships.  If we have daughters, we know the struggle is real.  It can be a minefield for them and for us, but, all we have is each other and it has to be worth stepping towards or away.

For many of us, God Bless the Broken Road.  It is so easy to see things from afar. 

 There is only so much we can do.  We cannot be victimized by our daughters nor they be victimized by us.  By the time we all get to an understanding, there will be a lot of water under the bridge and that is our best tactic...allow the water to flow.. allow what is past be in the past.  Only an approachable mother will be approached.  For some of us, the door has been open for a long time.  For some of us, we have been so hurt that only God can fix it.  We need to put our shame and blame away.  Listen.  Simply listen.  We cannot defend what we do not know.  Listen, just listen, and let your soul transcribe what it knows.  You were enough!  They were enough!  Our mothers were who they are!  Our daughters are exactly who they are!  If we have learned how flawed we all were, and are, it was enough for us to be cycle-breakers!  

I am blessed forever by my youngest daughter!  I am grateful in spite of all my own flaws, we have such an awesome relationship. May ancient grandmothers wrap each mother, new or aged, in loving embrace of knowing how difficult this relationship might be.  God bless mothers and their mothering whatever it might have been as it can be a mine field.... but between my daughters and I.. it is MINE field.

©Carol Desjarlais 5.10.19