There is a special bond, another kind of bond, like a 6th sense thing mother’s have, with a daughter. It is a unique and irreplaceable bond.
***Caveat: Some mother-daughter relationships cannot, or should not, be accepted, nor forgiven, I am not talking about those kinds, or the PERECT mother-daughter relationship. I am talking about an everyday ordinary mother daughter relationship.
I have that kind of relationship with my ShirRae. Since she moved out of home, she has called me every three days without fail all these decades. There has never been drama or conflict between us. She, like I, have a few friends ‘in the real’ that we have had all our lives. They are deep and significant ones. I was never aware that a mother-daughter relationship shaped the relationships we would have throughout our lives. We managed to stumble and bumble through, knowing about boundaries and having a strong commitment to honor those relationships with respect for differences and similarities.
I was a mother who allowed my children to know what was acceptable through my own modeling. Of course, they also knew I was human with frailties and I never pushed them, nor was I a helicopter mother. They were free to explore their childhood and teen years but knew what actions and behaviors were right for us as a family and that how we act reflects on family. It has made my children very close. And, as I said, I taught them what things do not work, of course. They learned to take time out and reflect on how they could ‘show’ they were sorry not just throw out words like, “Sorry”. I might add, I was a much better mother to my younger four than I was to my older three. I single-parented my four younger ones and I was not under any duress, so I was consciously able to focus in on them as I completed University and began my career. I was healthier and happier and so they were raised under that kind of mothering.
Another successful thing I stumbled upon, was having an ‘amnesty’ night once a week. We all climbed on my bed and we debriefed about our week. As well, they got to say anything, without chance of punishment (grounding really hurt their feelings and, btw, I never hit my children although my mother said they were going to be spoiled rotten. Happens they were/are not as they are all successful adults and parents themselves.) When they grew up, they said that sometimes they made up things just to be able to say they got away with something. Our amnesty conversations started to include their teenaged friends, as well because they wanted to experience it. There were times we had some serious talks during that time. One girl was going to have an abortion, at fourteen, and she and m daughter wanted my opinion. I gave pros and cons and was told that the girl did not have to tell her mother, legally. I was shocked at that. Boy that was a tough one but one she went through with, anyways, with complications. I contacted the mother and we a conversation that no mothers would want to have, but one we had a choice in stepping up and making the right decision for the right young girl.
I watch my daughter have the same kind of relationship with my granddaughter, only my daughter improved mothering. My granddaughter is being raised by a village of good women, women who are grandmothers, mothers, aunties, elder sisters from other mothers. There are honest and have open conversations that makes my granddaughter wise, yet innocent. We all have failures and we are honest about them and allow our daughters to see us make a comeback. We are authentic survivors, overcomers and thrivers and we model this for our young women, not just our flesh and blood. Our language is the language of love, open-ended, full of trust, good intentions, and respect.
I sit back and watch my daughter and her daughter speak the words I used in raising my girl. I watch the interactions and know the outcomes by heart because I have faith in my daughter and in her choices as to how to raise her daughter. There is an immense pride. I wish for all daughters to have mothers that honor and celebrate them every day. I wish for all mothers the understanding it takes for daughters to know what it took for her mother to be here at all. I wish for daughters the sacred relationship of a mother who tries, fails, gets up and tries again…which is what life is really like. I wish for daughters to know their mother’s history, culture, her wounds, and what it takes to get up every day and get on with life.
I am a blessed woman. I try, every day, to be deserving of this kind of daughter and the kind of granddaughter who calls grandma to discuss a problem she has and we go through pros and cons until she is ready to take a stand and speak her truths. I wish this for every daughter. I wish this for every mother. I wish this for every grandmother. Compassion. Mercy. Forgiveness. Love.
©Carol Desjarlais 4.28.23
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