Givers Are Givers Not Receivers

 

 

I have had to work hard to receive, making sure I do not dull the compliment someone was kind enough to give.  If someone gives me something, I have to hurry and keep it even.  I am a giver and it is hard for givers to receive.

As a small child, I questioned, in my little mind, what people would say, looking for hidden agenda, because, surely, what they said that was nice could not be about me.  My low self-esteem just simply cold not accept a compliment at face value.  My low self-esteem came/comes from the Primal Wound.  It, also, came, because, if you are intuitive, you are aware if someone has said or implied something negative.  I had no trust in others but it was like a secret I could not tell anyway else because then they would know, I know, that they were simply placating me so I would not tell their truths.  I was little when I heard them talk about me to others.  I was spoiled.  I would be trouble.  I was precocious.  I was too smart for my own good.  Yadda Yadda.    There were few that I knew were genuine.  I soaked up their kind attention and intentions.

Somehow, refusing to accept. To receive, leaves us, at our own will, empty, and it seems to, in some weird way, substantiate what we thought of ourselves.  And, there is a hunger in us that can never be satisfied no matter how we try to fill it.  It leaves a vacuum for addictive behaviors, for disassociation, for seeing negatives instead of positives and a myriad of unhealthy ways we try to stop the gnawing need.

 When we realize that we cannot receive, we need to pay attention to ourselves for one whole day where we watch for negative inner monologue, for ways we are unjust with ourselves.  How do we imply we are unworthy of receiving?   How do we denigrate a gift that is being given? (“Oh, this old thing…”)  How do we denigrate our ‘deservedness’?  How do we allow our Ego to NOT feel obligated? 

We give, with all the open-heartedness that we can muster.  We mean it.  We are giving because it feels right, it helps us feel worthy, it allows us to feel that we are contributing to the love in the world.  Our Ego is what keeps us from receiving, graciously, with as open a heart as ever we gave.  Try just saying “thank you” rather than add caveats.  We can learn to receive.  Our “goodness” does not equate to our giving or our receiving.  Giving is a most notable feature as much as is receiving.  Receive well!

©Carol Desjarlais 4.19.23