You've Got A Friend In Me

 

 

“In this world, we return home to find our way separately, each forgiving the other for the things she could not give. In this world, we see each other occasionally; a friend, a touchstone to whom we both return, the heartbreak we both bravely revisit.”
― Kayla Rae Whitaker, The Animators

Throughout early childhood and into teens, we explore friendships of all kinds and as we age, we begin to refine our choice of friends.  Around 30, we begin to winnow out friends and we begin to expend energy in developing deeper friendships.  We may feel loss or shame at losing some friendships, but it is a normal process. When we really look at our friendships, we begin to know more about ourselves in that we are refining the kinds of people we are friends with according to who we are and what is important to us.

We seek friends who have common interests to us.  We keep friends who have common history to us.  We chose friends who have common values to what we do.  But, the longstanding friends we continue to have in our lives will have a common history, ones we grew up with, and those who have become part of our history.  Our shared experiences grew that bond.  It doe not mean we see them every day nor even contact each other for months, years, when we get together, it is like coming home. They are part of our roots.  They are some of our record-keepers.  There was mutual support.  They remind us of our history.  They remind us of our youth.  Yes, they feel like home.

As we age, our stories will diverge and yet, that common history is strong and valuable.  They will remind us of who we used to be, help us see our growth, and maybe get us back on track to what it was we meant to be.

The more independent we become, the more difficult it is to make friends.  Perhaps we will think we need them less.  Oh, we have many acquaintances.  They keep the loneliness of aging away.  But there is nothing like reconnecting with an old friend to remind us how little, truly, we have changed. Those we shared a history with will feel more like family and taught us how to be friends.  There is a reason we are friends.

Sometimes friendships take effort.  Those historical friends are worth it and it is wise to keep that friendship fresh and close.  Good friends are hard to find.  The history is why we were friends in the first place.  Sometimes we know too much about each other as they will know your raw history not just your surface history.    A friends we have ‘been there”, ”done that” together and sometimes there are some things that will have us laugh uncontrollably, right from the toes to the top of our head laugh.  We have been foolhardy, dangerously adventurous, wonderfully silly, and deeply close.  We might have been gu8ilty, shamefully, and foolhardy as well.  Sometimes it can almost be triggering.  But, there they are, ‘our knowing’  our forgiving, our solace. 

When life gets overwhelming, it is important to have that shoulder to lean on.  It is, also, important to have friends as they are an important development as individuals. 

I wish you deep friendships, old friendships, changing friendships, but, truly, friendships.

©Carol Desjarlais 8.8.22