F…f…f…Fear of Failure

 

 

“When facing the blank canvas, the blank screen, or the shapeless lump of clay, there are endless, potentially debilitating ways to convince yourself that it makes more sense to get up and wash the dishes instead.  There’s that old standby:  Fear of failure: “What if I don’t get an Oprah/get a gallery/get a life?”  And its paradoxical cousin:  Fear of Success.  “What if I do get on Oprah, and I’m still not rich/thin/happy?”  There’s the need to surpass, or bypass, your parent’s expectations; the desire to do better than that successful younger brother, just this once.  Exorcising one’s demons is a lifelong process that begins with one simple step:  identify them.  Then you can face them down as you go.” – Lynn Gordon

 The first thing we have to do is acknowledge your fear.  Last year, I realized that every decision I made had some kind of fear in it.  I feared setting my kids and having them not love me any more.  I feared going for walks because…strange, but true, I was afraid people would look at me...how important did I think I was that people would want to look?  I was afraid to not have a super clean house and have people judge me.  I was afraid to be caught having a nap.  I was afraid of not having a shower every danged day because I was afraid people would say I looked oily and unclean.  I was afraid…  fear was the undermining basis of my life in every area.  Once I realized one fear, they all came pouring out. 

I had to summon up courage and say what I felt, do what I felt needed to be done, and all.  I decided that FEAR would be the word of the year, the theme of the year, the adventure, actually, of stopping and contemplating the reason I made every decision.  Was I doing it for me, to be authentic, or was I making decisions according to Ego?  I learned to confront every decision made from fear and it was many and it was tough to override the foundational fear. 

I did a lot of self-talk.  There were so many surprise discoveries, so many epiphanies, so many heartfelt, heartsick moments as I discovered, then confronted the fear attached to each thing I did.  I realized I got less defensive.  I discovered I became calmer.  I discovered that the world did not end if I had a disagreement.  I discovered the authentic ME.  Of course, I am still working on it all as FEAR is invasive and is so enmeshed with my identity.  There was a great deal of self-talk.  In fact, I would wake up dealing with an earlier decision and actually spoke out loud, a phrase, a word, and it was unsettling to wake myself up.  I realized, though, that that was a key that the messages of self-love was coming through.  The work continues…

Many times, I acted before thought and the outcome was that I layered on some more sense of guilt and shame to Self.  I had to learn to be uncomfortable with the uncomfortable.  I had to elarn to not let my voice level raise.  I had to learn to speak my truth.  I had to learn to allow others what they thought was their truths.  I had to learn to bite my tongue…nearly off, betimes.  I am still learning this when things get tense.

It takes courage some times, a bravery, to s[peak up and speak out.  I had to learn to say “I feel…”  Again, I am still learning.  And it takes a lot to stop, pause and think; to be mindful.  

I am also learning to move away from those that trigger my fear/choices and to find someone(s) that are easier to be around.  I have learned that good friends are friends you can totally be at peace with; that there is no sense of stress from being around them.  I am learning what the stress does to my body and that that stress biody-reaction, for me, can come after the fact, even days later.  Yesterday, my blood pressure suddenly dropped to 53/27, then I got it up to 69/43, and finally, through taking action and eating and drinking fluids, I brought it up to 87/63 before bed.  When it goes that low, I feel absolutely horribly drained of energy.  I want to lie down.  I am dizzy.  It is like someone uncorked my body and all the everything drained out.  I check my blood sugar and it was fine.  It was a delayed stress reaction, I am sure.  After a good night’s sleep, I am back up to 120/67 so I am nearer to normal for me (130/80).  I realize what I was doing to myself and I took control.  I accepted that I, I, ALLOWED stress to build up over time and I was paying the price.  I still need a lot of work on triggers of fear.

 Bravery can be as subtle as being true to Self, to being authentic, to being n control of self, and it can be a mighty battle.  I have need to learn to pacify self in healthy ways…in walking away from tirggers.  It takes courage to face our fears head on, no matter how subtle they are.  No one is in charge of triggering us…we allow ourselves to be triggered.  And conflict always has to do with fear.

So often, we might let fears get in the way of being physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually healthy.  We fear the unkwn and the unknow to fear triggers is the changes that we make and we end up in foreign ground to ourselves.  Many of us do not know the healthy ground of Mindfulness and staying present.  Woulda, coulda, should, and “what ifs” are always available to us, but there is a time and palce for such.  The woulda, coulda, shouldas are places of projection and excuses.  The “what ifs” are total fear-based.  Somewhere in the middle of it all, we simply need to change and progress and grow into our true self.  These things lead to procrastination and, of course, a more dram-filled life.  And, after the drama, there is decapitating guilt and shame.  And… a lack of progression and maturity.  If we worry about getting it wrong, we will not live up to our full capacity.  We become someone else’s story rather than our own.   We are easily manipulated.  We are easy victims to other people’s power plays.  We do not want to be that, surely. 

78/100 Collage challenge: Brown, technique = grunge, theme = summer, three items = scrabble tiles, etc., straight pins, postage stamp.