“What we call our destiny is truly our
character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are
responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging,
because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in
bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance,
background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it
formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect
the elements.”
― The Diary of Anaïs
Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934
So many of us think that “working” on oneself means we are actually trying to reach some version of who WE think we were supposed to be. What if we ARE exactly who we were meant to be? I mean, yes, we do need to tidy up some areas of our life, but what if we are really supposed to learn to accept ourselves as we are? Somehow, to me, it smacks of not feeling “enough”. Our Inner Critic/ Evil Inner witch/ Inner judge can be a cruel taskmaster. There has to be a difference between ‘growing’ and ‘changing’. What if being kinder to ourselves helps us move more smoothly to a better version of ourself.
Our main need is often just the need to be accepted and loved. But, if we do not accept and love ourselves, what is the best way to figure ourselves out and gain that which we desire? Positive change comes when we become able to do so. Inner peace does not come from outside ourselves. Becoming self-aware, we listen to ourselves, and we learn to offer ourselves that great desire. Accepting our feelings, listening to them, knowing the WHY of them helps us grow more at peace. Perhaps it is time to make amends to ourselves. Being kind to ourselves comes in order for us to be kind to others. Warring feelings about ourselves does not bring peace nor draw peace to us.
Oh, we research and read and try all the emotional fads out there. We find flaws in ourselves and reads and research and try out, but, in the end, we are shoveling in foreign soil. We need to honor ourselves by NOT digging in someone else’s idea of the inner self and how we should be. Only we know, deep within, what it is we want ourselves to be like, in the end of it.
Life offers up so many adventures, so many risks, so many issues of trust and forgiveness and honor. We dishonor ourself if we do not simply seek out the why of our desires and see how they relate to our inner self. Being Present and mindful of our own inner self is the only way we can know what needs smoothing out.
Yes, it is work. It is not research outside ourselves, as I have said. Our very soul knows what is needed. Maybe it is time to listen and search within. Doing outside research/work on Self is much like dieting. Oh, we start out with such vigor. For me, it is totally buying into it and then having it wane and eventually extinguish. Oh, the fires within, indeed.
Allowing the flow of our own personal life experiences, feeling the authentic feelings, knowing and acknowledging those authentic feelings leads to our own personal knowing. That knowing is like dropping the shovel and getting down on our knees and start using our hands, in our own soil, to find the treasures of what will help us grow more into ourselves rather than someone else’s idea of who we are. There is something intimate about digging in the soil with our hands. There is something intimate in digging into our inner being.Growth will happen when we loosen up the hard places around who we truly are.
‘Drop the shovel and start digging’, indeed. Bless us in our hand to heart work.
©Carol Desjarlais 9.11.21
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