“There is a time and a place for things. Sometimes one needs to put a filter on oneself. That can be a good thing.” - Tori Amos
Once, I was called “precocious” but, oh, the world amazed and excited me. I talked early and I was always talking. It is as if I never learned NOT to speak my mind, my feelings and my spirit. I always wore my heart on my sleeves and talked about them or expressed them. I was impulsive. I simply said what came to me. I have not ever said, “This is how I am; you deal with it!” I never meant to speak out in judgements or unkindness to others. I always felt guilty if I “spoke out of turn”. My father always said, “Your mouth is going to get you in trouble!” I learned to live out that truth. I was truthful to my own thoughts, feelings and soul. I was not “blunt”. I was merely narrating my thoughts.
I guess, as a child, I expected others to be honest in their conversations. I learned a heartbreaking truth when I was four or five years old. My beloved hero, my grandfather, played an April Fools joke on me. To him, he was teasing. To me, he had lied. It impacted me hugely. I learned how to weigh other’s conversations to or about me or anyone or anything. I learned to analyze what was said, according to the perception of my age. People, I found, were not straightforward with their opinions and words. I lost trust in people’s words and never truly regained it. I did learn something important in my education at university. I learned to ask the WHY of what was said, not the WHAT was said (and done, as well).
Although I was very conscious of “What would people think? I did not filter what I said through consequences of that. If I become frustrated, I tend to let whatever I am thinking roll on out. T think all of us, at some time or other, have felt the repercussions of saying what we think and wish we had not said it. And, I always think of good comebacks after the fact. As I matured (and I am STILL maturing) I learned to mumble ‘stuff’ under my breath, and the comebacks in my mind that I hold back, oh, it is good stuff.
To let your mouth run ahead of your brain, all the time, means you most likely lack filters that is when to know what to say to what audience. To truly lack a filter means that you are not aware that you do not have one. You think it is normal, good, just to say whatever you are thinking in any tone, any context. And, I have met so many people who are contentious, who go out of their way to be oppositional, even when it is clear that they do not believe, deep in their soul, what they are saying. Some know they do not and make excuses for how they speak to others. Some realize that they are not getting great feedback and that what they say might create drama no one needed, but are unwilling to change to meet the social norms.
Things I have learned (and continue to learn) to “curb my tongue”:
*Realize that no one can make you say or do anything you do not want to. If you find that you are more likely to speak ‘out of turn’ to someone in your life, then stop speaking to that person until you can gain control of your tongue.
*Think back on emotionally charged conversations you have had and where you ended up saying “too much’ of what was on your mind. If you find commonality of experiences of saying too much to the wrong people, at the wrong time, perhaps it is time to reconsider how you perceive how you speak to others.
*Post a note on your bathroom mirror that says, “If you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all!” and really try to curb what you say and to whom and when.
*When you feel negative energy building, stop, walk away, give some serious thought to what you were going to say, and come back a later time to re-converse, or never say it at all. Weigh the consequences to you and to the other(s).
*Journaling is a great way to say what you need to say. Art journaling is even better. It is there you can express what is truly in your mind, heart and soul. It is there you can express every emotion that is nagging at you, or needs release. Art, of any kind, allows for this. Instead of angry words, how about angry art? We have seen every emotion created and shared all over the web (think The Scream, for instance).
This all is no easy task. We have allowed what we say and how we say it to be a huge part of our Ego/Evil Inner Witch/personality. To soften up those sharp edges, we need to look for patterns in our life surrounding conversations. We should not have to feel regret for speaking our truths. We simply need to learn HOW and WHO and WHEN to speak them. I continue to work on this myself. When I start to feel oppositional, I remind myself, “You do not have to be right, you need to let others be right, too!” Yes, no easy task for some of us.
©Carol Desjarlais 9.1.21
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