Worry Women

“No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Look, all kinds of things stress us out.  They can have their stress management courses, their stressor relief activities, and their drugs.  A huge part of life is either stress or denial, bottom line.  We all have it.  How we deal with it is as unique as we are unique individuals.  I have found, my tried and true skills of work it off like a banshee, can't be done any more.  I do still walk in circles, by myself, talking it out, if it is bad.  But, art has become my stress-relief and I am wicked grateful for it.

I have looked hard at my stress factors and triggers.  They are there in all of us.  I know that I become stressed if I am angry, defensive (fearful), and frustrated (think computer problems and official paper filling out). Yes, there are hormonal things (PMS) and genetics and environmental 'stuff' to get on my last nerve, but those things are dissipating as I age and now it is just mostly fear of some kind.

I know that my reactions come from past events, past self-conditioning, Past negative happenings with people, places and things.  It is hard to turn those reactions into positive reactions.  At best, I now turn to my art, as I said.  I think, we, women, are conditioned to feel vulnerable and anxious.  Perhaps it goes all the way back to ancient ancestors trying to protect the tribal babies and children to keep the tribe growing.  I do not know - sounds like a good excuse, but, in all, I think we are more expressive of our worry.

Yes yes, I know all about weakening heart and immune systems.  I know all the clichés.  Yes yes I believe there are some, in fact, many, who have a form of PTSD and do not seek help for building skills for coping.  Yes, I know that food, smoking, alcohol, drugs, bed-hopping, relationship-hopping...you know... all the dysfunctional ways of coping, are there and alive in many.  I have had some.  Yes, cancer can be triggered by stress.  I can point to the extreme stress that triggered mine.  I have seen it in others.  So, what do we do to stop worrying?

Stop body shaming.  You are you and when we are dead and gone, our bones will weigh the same and nothing else will matter.  Make up does not make you beautiful on the inside. Clothes say very little about you except to compliment your personality and express your own sense of identity;  if you wear sweat pants, you are laid back;  if you wear hundred dollar, thousand dollar, clothes, no one will know unless you tell them and if you tell them, well, that says a great deal doesn't it.  We have all seen these women with too-perfect hair, starched collars, perfectly pleated pants, or perfectly draped skirts, with pinched faces that speak to the underlying identity of not feeling enough so they dress up the outside.  Just be what you truly are inside.  Clean, yes.  Style, yes, make it fit your personality without being too far off the far edge.  What we wear can either draw people in or 0ush people away.  Do not miss a single soul that is attracted to your soul.  Do not worry about such trifling stuff.  Let your soul shine through the physical, whether you limp, have a cane, sit in a wheel chair, end up spending more time in a prone position than moving about.  It will come to us all and what will have been the use of it all when we know our bodies are aging and we know the endings, or pretty much know.

Eventually all we know will get dimmer.  No matter the condition of the body, the mind is important and worthy of attention.  When we worry, we fill our head with stuff that just does not count and it takes up room for things we could be learning to better ourselves right to the end.  We have much to learn (try buying a new phone or run a new Microsoft tennie-elevenie-whatever), and research on the com0puter is a great way to learn more about what you find interesting.  I have been subjected to some things I find intellectually degrading, over the last few months down south ( Maury, Jerry, as the stomach turns, worldwide wrestling...etc.), while cooped up in a motor home with someone else's satellite for t.v.  I never read true romances in the long ago past and I do not read National Enquirer now.  I love Pride and Prejudice and Psychology Magazines and a historical romance now and again, but, mostly, I research things I am interested in.  So much can be intellectually insulting.  I am a lifelong learner. I am passionate about much and those things I research voraciously.  Consider what you feed your intellect.  Feeding our intellect higher things and doing intellectual activities will keep us from fading into nothing but old memories while they last.  If we stop learning, it might be a scary thing. 

Emotionally, it is important to get through our 'stuff'.  If you are working on things that belong to the teenaged you, then it is time to take self by the hand and lead yourself to finding ways to mature emotionally.  I am sure, since we have lived longer, that we have met the Cinderella characters; the whispery or childish, voice, the batting of eyes, the Big Daddy attractions, the drive to find their white knight riding in on a white horse.  The Elders explained the emotional aspect as one that, if not healed at each stage of child, teen, young adult, we will drag that along in our characters and emotions.  It will be evident to others (dangerously so when you think that the Cinderella is a weak personality to have when attracting mates who wish control, etc.). Pity them. We all have seen or know those who still take life as a teenager, seeking adventure, the risk-taker, the elder who still laughs and giggles and speaks of immature things, the woman who has not matured.  You can only take so much of them.  They are the kind who run around bars, etc, with younger women and men and forget they are mothers, grandmothers, even, and life is still a big party to them.  Their emotions range from manic to desperately depressed and chaos-thrivers.  Pity them, they are wounded souls who have not worked through their younger stage of life.  Then you can meet the older than they are people who have completely given up and willing victims of their own aging.  They are not pleasant either as they have learned to manipulate through pity.  Pity is a very insulting thing, I believe.  I would rather crumble and die than have someone pity me.   An emotionally balanced woman is so attractive, so appealing, so deep-souled to be around.  Worry to the emotional segment of who we are, decimates our ability to be well-balanced, to find happiness, to express happiness, to express authentic love, to not be infectious in the positive ways.  I know this.  I am a worrier. I work hard to push the thoughts away that would keep me from feeling safe, expressing warmth, and expressing that I am a safe person. I worry about my kids, but try to stay out of the fray and let them go through what they must go through to learn, without being dictator, without being insensitive and someone they do not come to with problems whether I know I can solve them or not.  I work at being a person who does not dump their deepest problems, constantly, so that I can thrive on being positive whenever I can and drawing thriving people to me.  Worry is such an Ego thing.  It is all about memememememe.  There is no room to be of good to the world when we are so self-interested.  (A caviat;  except towards a few trusted girlfriends...we can dump and dump alike when we need to, we need that single wing to help lift us up, we find dear, those women who are so much our tribe that they know our moments of worry are not going to last forever.  They are treasures because the dumping is both ways, the encouragement is both ways, and sometimes you dang well need someone you can tell all your withheld secrets to before you explode.  And we are sensitive to when they can bear the load and they of us.)  I have some worry coming ahead of me in September.  My son, father of seven children, is being deployed to the Ukraine.  There is time enough to worry about that when September comes.  Anyone who says the do not have emotional worries, are simply in denial or unwilling to share because it makes them feel vulnerable.  Typically we work stuff out ourselves.

Spiritual worry is often society-driven.  Each of us is as unique as are our souls.  Whatever helps you feel connected to something higher than ourselves will help us through the really dark places and spaces we might enter.  I prefer to be raw and real and not allow anyone or anything be in charge of my spirituality.  I believe what a lifetime of wondering has brought me too.  I have taken what fits my soul and discarded what did not.  I do not cram my spirituality into a box.  I am free-souled/spirited.  I, alone, am in charge of what feeds my soul and knowing what does not.  I am aware that my soul is what I will carry with me to whatever is next after this life.  What feeds your soul?  It can be nature, people, places, things.  If it raises your spirit and feeds your soul then it can only be a very good thing.  Worry keeps our soul from feeling at home.  When we do not trust our soul/intuition/Muse/whatever you choose to call it, then we are winging life on our own.  We need that something we can dip into when we meet the unbearable, and we all have and will meet our unbearable.  If you come to that place, what soulful preparations have you done?  Have I done?  I am working very hard on this part and am easing into end of life with few regrets and few fears.  I am pretty much ready and I will not suffer spiritually if the times comes just before the going.  

I ralize this has been a long post, but it is important.  We simply cannot live a life filled with worry.  It kills everything about the authentic "I".  We have to learn peace in order to feel and exude peace.  We have to deal with worry in our lives.. not worry about worry... learn to deal with our worries as they are typically past and future things we can do nothing about. 

 

I love you!  Don't worry!

©Carol Desjarlais 3.20.19