Memory distorts, fades, and degrades every time they
are remembered. If we live in constant
remembering, we lose the original a little more. Memory is then diffused with new perspectives
and old happenings and the memories are compacted into kernels of stones that
sit in the pit of our stomachs. If we
could only let things go, let them be
what they were, and not hardened them more into what we think we remember, then we allow them to pass in
authenticity. There is great treasure in
the caves of childhood hurts and slights if we do not compound the childhood
view over and over again.
We may smile like we mean too, but we might be
working very hard on our inner self to bring that smile to the forefront. There are not any of us who are not carrying some
kind of satchel of sorrow somewhere deep inside our hearts. The longer we live, the more that dark place
holds. We can fool others, and, even
ourselves, sometimes, but it is there.
The satchel breaks open a little more as we age, methinks. It is not that we walk around all sad and
sorrowful all the time. But, betimes, come nights, when there are only ticks of
clocks and tiny strobes of night lights, and we are half-conscious, our mind
begins to follow little streamers back to that place. And we remember what we do not actually authentically
remember, things we thought we had tucked away.
It is then, when we are cocooned by night, with no observers, that we can
slide into a place of woe and worry, wishes and wrath; of some things we would
rather have forgotten. We keep those
things alive. Every time we do not take
command, when we allow ourselves to go all the way down that slippery slide of salient
things, they can rise in the mornings with us.
Our only hope is, the moment negativity comes to
visit, night or day, and we stop it by saying to ourselves that it does not
belong in our today. We are not that
child, young lady, young woman, that is in that memory. It is old and needs to be put to rest by realizing
it has no power over you. You can allow
it or not allow it to remain warped and permanent in your conscious
memory. We learn to comfort that that
once was and is no more. We have
matured, maybe, because of that
thing that happened in the past.
Hush, my sisters, hush those memories that no longer
belong to the You of the Present. Keep
hushing them until they stop trying to be relevant in your today. Give them no
power.
©Carol Desjarlais 3.9.19
Why do the memories return. I find the sad and the bad are more prevalent Why? Is it a curse we all carry? At this stage decisions are harder to make.. All the what if's seem to produce the lack of future. Perhaps I am just different .
ReplyDeleteFrom anything I have been taught, along this line, they will return until we heal them, until we know the lessons. If we learned to be dependent on other people, places, and things, when we ere young, we tend to remain that way until we heal ourselves of the traumas.Like we were talking the other day, I, in my dreamers, pounded the heck out of someone who I would not pound the heck 9ut of in real life. In waking, it felt good. LOL. Yes, yes, we can be conditioned to loss strength over the 'what ifs'...many of us do. But, somehow, we have to get to 'What IS', accept the good within that and the negative within that 'What Is', and find solutions thr9ugh decisions based on alternatives and consequences. It is never easy, but we must find that peace is better than the passion of chaos we were conditioned to accept as real. We are as strong as we are in the moment, right now, and if we do not feel that strength, then seek it. If is going to get harder, not easier, as we age. Everyone can rewrite the script of dreams and reality. If it makes you peaceful and hopeful, then cling to it. It it does not, cast if off you like a stinking cloak. I knwo y9ur strength, been there in the good and bad times, and I have seen you rise and rise again. There is nothing black and white, there are greys in between. Sometimes we let life make us hard. Hard is not strength. The feminine softness, the gift of all women to nurture, to comfort. We need to turn then in on ourselves. We know the truth of only what we know this moment. Let that be enough. xoxoxoo
ReplyDeleteSo the future is not to plan as we once could. Pack it, chuck and go. Living in the now seems to be to painful .
ReplyDelete