Assuredness A Spiritual Thing?

“Always in life an idea starts small, it is only a sapling idea, but the vines will come and they will try to choke your idea so it cannot grow and it will die and you will never know you had a big idea, an idea so big it could have grown thirty meters through the dark canopy of leaves and touched the face of the sky.' He looked at me and continued. 'The vines are people who are afraid of originality, of new thinking. Most people you encounter will be vines; when you are a young plant they are very dangerous.' His piercing blue eyes looked into mine.' Always listen to yourself, Peekay. It is better to be wrong than simply to follow convention. If you are wrong, no matter, you have learned something and you grow stronger. If you are right, you have taken another step toward a fulfilling life.”
― Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One

I have lacked assuredness most of my life.  I was spontaneous and jumped in the water without thinking how deep it might be.  It is so, that I do have a regret, or two, as I reflect, but, I also know the lessons I learned.  I know I cannot change anything -- not one single thing -- and, thus, it bodes nothing good for me to slip into negative thinking.  I simply 'one step in front of the other',  and try to remember about alternatives and consequences.

I work hard at accepting who I am today and follow through for tomorrow so I do not have to have regrets to contemplate, as I cringe, yet again, later.  I find, as I am more tolerant and accepting of self, I am more tolerant and accepting of others.  Aging does have its bonuses in that we get to understand ourselves better, from afar. 

Look, if the lifespan is circa 86 years of age, I have got to get a move on in finding ways to be calm, full of grace, full of dignity, and peaceful...in body, mind, heart, soul, and environment.  That is huge and I am working on it bit by bit.  I am late for a very important date.  I cannot go sliding into eternity full of angst, nor do I want it in my life at all for all the time I have.  Acceptance and assuredness of where I came from, why I was here, and where I am going is huge, as well.  We are told, but do we believe it to our bones?  Why do we fear death if religion has told us it is airy fairy?  I have had to come to a knowing...been there.. know what awaits me.. and it is lovely...it was not heaven, per se, but the most beautiful feeling and sense that I have ever felt.  I know, personally, what comes next.  Accepting this and being assured of it, I no longer fear death at all, nor is death escapism.  If we see it as escapism, I am afraid we'd be seriously let down.  Just as a location move from one place to the next, we drag our crap with us...so...OUT WITH THE CRAP!  Death anxiety is not for me.

How do we become assured of things?  Well, perhaps some of you can tell me more, but, I know assuredness when I have made a right decision.  It is almost ephemeral, it is almost a high.  It is Pride, in a way, pride in self and it is really empowering.  Our souls suffer; we allow our souls to suffer, until, finally, it seems, life takes us, gives us a shake and pushes us forward.  The soul senses the rightness of it all and it blossoms. 

It is also like a boomerang.  When we make right choices, there is a gathering of momentum.  Sometimes we get addicted to that momentum.  There is a balance.  Yes, it is wonderful, and, yes, we need to keep that momentum, but we cannot expect to have the good without some of the negative trying to pull us back...that danged Ego that hates change and will do anything to drag us back to where we were more malleable.  :izard brain does not like the unknown.  We need to put one foot in front of the other, keep our eyes on the horizon and keep on moving through all it takes to reach what it is we need, want, wish, to gain.  Somehow, listening to our spirit/soul/muse/intuition is what keeps us going.

I, like many others, gave up on organized religion for my own personal wounded reasons.  I worked very hard to find a personal connection with a higher power.  I found it and it has never let me down.  I find that spiritually, I become more intense in the quiet nighttime hours.  I am not so good at spirituality in daylight.  LOL.  Well, truth.  I keep too busy to think during the day.  Nighttime tells me if I have done well during the day.  I wish nothing to haunt me.  I need assurance that I am doing the right things and by night, I can find that solemn place.  

Today, The Bee Man is checking all their hives, and checking on them.  He is feeding the new ones.  All around, bees have come out to die, and are lying in the snow.  The new ones are hatching and busily come out to test the Spring.  How hard they work.  3/6 hives are alive and thriving.  Three died out.  They did not even eat all their honey he left them.  The ones thriving have eaten the honey and need more for their queen, who will die soon, too.  And Bee life goes on.  Each thriving hive had prepared the eggs and kept feeding the little ones in preparation for Spring rising and their leaving.  I guess that is what we do too, those of us who continue to thrive.  I have had to really consider that thee is stuff yet for me to do today, maybe tomorrow and many tomorrows.  I have to be prepared for anything.  I have to go to bed at night, assured I have done all I can do for others, for the world, and prepared myself through having a good rest (a regretless rest).  None of us knows when or how.  I believe we have so many heartbeats and then we are done, like the bees.  I know I have wasted many over-beaten heart times.  But, when the time comes to make any decisions, I have to be assured that I (might) make the right ones.  

I realize assuredness is a huge part of living, living well.  I know I have built inner strength along the way.  I am still thriving.  Perhaps assuredness is a soul/spiritual  thing.  I am deepening mine.

What think you, sister friends?

©Carol Desjarlais 3.18.19