Vitality

“I think people believe in heaven because they don't like the idea of dying, because they want to carry on living and they don't like the idea that other people will move into their house and put their things into the rubbish.” ― Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

 

We are always seeking some Fountain of Youth, some snake oil to reverse things, buy into big-business of non-aging nips, tucks, diets, and fads. Every time a woman buys into such, she is negating the worth of women of age.  Men forget they age similarly.  They are the ones who first relegated older women to lower status, most likely, because they feared the intellectual, emotional, and sixth sense that women gained as the aged.   Not all men.  Not all women.  Ponce de Leon was the first to actively seek some miracle pool.  Since then, we have become more and more gullible and there are big bucks to be made off our vanity.  Perhaps vanity took over from what we should have been seeking:  vitality.

We have been lied to and we fall for that lie every day.  (I am guilty, too.  I bought lip sealer today, paid twenty-five dollars for a little tube to keep my lipstick from running ever heavenward and my smile and whistling lines.)  

We forget that aging is written into our very DNA.  Our body can only repair itself of so much, and aging has not been one of those things.  As we age, our cells, tissue, bones, degrade.  We become more and more vulnerable to a myriad of things.  Our skin loses its ability to snap back.  Our very heart will become that danger within.  It has so many beats, as I have said, before, and then it will fail.  Yes, medicine found some miracle healing things that has us living longer than the hard working ancestors we come from.  But, we are still programmed to die from the moment of our existence in the womb.

I, for one, do not want to outlive my bones.  I do not want to live so I can suffer longer.  I do not want to outlive my functioning mind.  I do not want to outlive my joy at being here.  I am pretty certain my soul will go on and on and it is the only thing.  Not even God, hearing the pleas and futile prayers for longevity, could or would change things. We hang on to our elders longer than they would chose to suffer and live on for other's benefit.   We fear death so much we fear having to mourn the loss of others even at infirm ages.  Oh, and here comes that Ego/Lizard Brain ideology that we fear aging because it may mean we lose our worth and/or importance.  

So, if aging cannot be turned around, then we should be learning to do it with some grace and dignity.  We should make sure we have hobbies that will keep us investing in aging nicely, in an interesting way, full of some of that vitality we can muster.  We should plan what we want to do and have alternative ways of doing it.  Yes, aging can mean suffering.  But, perhaps we should prepare ourselves for quality of life rather than quantity.  We need identity that does not include our career.  Careers fade too.  Find ways to be happy with WHO you are, not what you can do.  If we equate who we are with how we look, we will be sadly disappointed.  We need to be building strength, courage, and vitality of soul.  Love has no age.  If we loved ourselves, as we think we love others, perhaps aging would be less difficult.  Perhaps love is all there is to pretty much everything.  Perhaps it is the all.  

I do not know for sure what strength I really do have.  It has nothing to do with faith or heaven or any of that, for me.  It has to do with the belief that I have done good, enough good, and I do not want to live long enough to not have a purpose any more. We may lose our youth, and, perhaps it is a good thing in many ways.   I know my vitality is lagging but rises to soar again, maybe a little less high, but soars, nonetheless.  

What do you think, sister-friends?

©Carol Desjarlais 3.28.19

Embrace Your Older Self

"I am working hard to do no more 'Body Shaming'.  I am who I am, I am what I am, I might change my mind in a minute, but right now, I am okay!  My bones will weigh the same as everyone else's when I am French Fried." - CD

Who amongst us is in their 60-70-80th decade of life?  I am in my 70th decade, but feel like I am a young person trapped in an old body.  It is hard some days.  I am not kidding.  This crap is real.  There is no guidebook for this.  We are out on a limb as ever we were with our first baby, maybe more so.  What we have to figure out is how to thrive in all this 'stuff' we are dealing with. 

Picasso said:  "Age only matters while one is aging."  Lord have mercy, he is right.  I have a foreboding sense of being late, late, late for a very important date.  We do have to figure out how to be creative, and not just in arting.  Our body has changes that we vaguely heard about... yes, we creak..yes, we have to heave our self out of bed or out of a chair.  We certainly were not ready to have this happen to us.  But, at the same time, we know our get up and go was ridden hard and put away wet. 

Perhaps what is choicest of all is that we have weeded people out of our lives, or they uprooted themselves, and we have the right kind of people ar0ound us.  Everyone needs that one friend that cheerleads, believe me.  

Our lives have changed in every element of living.  For some, it is drastic, for some it is hidden in denial, but, for most of us, we tread on very aware what is coming.  For some, there is relief that it is nearly done.  I can be all those in an hour.  

There are some things I want to do yet... well, have other people do for me:  a tattoo that says Do Not Resuscitate curving above where my breast should have been;  I want to make Bear's Hump one more time ( slowly and it might take me all day, but I am doing it!  Who's in with me?)  I want to make sure I enjoy the ride into the next place, hauling no garbage with me.  Another things is that I have imprinted in my grandchildren's lives.  I want them to remember a grandmother who adored them and was ever so much fun.

One has to remember not to plan too far ahead.  No, not because we are hoping we won't be here... but, because we have reminders written in our day planner of things to do those days and we do not know if the body will be willing.  

Our gentics will determine what the last hayride will be like.  For some, yes, they will be riding a wild horse into the darkness and yelling, "Here I am!"  For some, it will be that we leave with some regrets and unfulfilled wishes and dreams. But, we do have time yet.

Yes, we have time to do up some loose ends.  And we have time to undo some knots.  And we have time to follow threads of our heritage back and know we were danged lucky to be babyboomers.  I am pretty danged sure that I would not want to be my grandmothers.  

I am going to do one more thing.  I want to go riding in the mountains on a horse.  I want to tug on some boots, fit into some blue jeans, jamb on a hat and ride off into the forests I knew when I was younger.  That can come true.  I have all the necessary things except the strength to climb on and the stamina to stick it out.  

We all need a plan.  I am not going to regret not doing those things I have left, except the DNR.  I need to prioritize those things I want to do.  If they come to be, I will feel some pride at having done it.  I can have some peace knowing I tried.  And that is imperative...  I can make that happen, even at this late date. 

We simply want peaceable people around us, we want peaceable environment to live in, and we want peace right to our marrow within.  Those things we can do and have.  I am working on that, how about you?

©Carol Desjarlais 3.26.19

Dance, Dance, Wherever You May Be

“No woman ever ages beyond eighteen in her heart.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

There is no fountain of youth, sisters.  One day we are eighteen and the next we turn seventy, shaking our heads and wondering how that happened.  We tend to 'not act our age'!  We think 'younger' than we are.  Sometimes that can get us in trouble.  But, there are some who cave.  It is not easy on our body to maintain that balance between what is good for us to do and when we should learn that there is a youthful soul that forgets that we do have limitations.  Sometimes we may forget that part of aging is maintaining the inner youthful vitality in how we do things, despite the limitations of body. Somehow we have to relearn how to dance the dance. 

I, along with many of us, want to live not just exist. We are still searching for our purpose, or we are living what we believe is our purpose.  We refuse the ideology that being older means we sink into doddering, depressed, rocking-chair old person.  

 Actually, I would really not want to admit some of that.  I do, however, worry about doddering because of physical limitations right now.  Depression would be easy to be as well because it is danged hard to curb my usual self of go, go, go!  I lift things too heavy for me.  I work like a banshee, at times, and pay later.  It is a crazy thing not to be able to keep on doing the physical things I used to do.  I am grateful for a fairly sharp mind, a matured heart, and an aching soul. I have to admit, death does not feel frightening at all because I would rather not live into my mid-nineties like most of my maternal line did.  Everyone lived long enough to move into Alzheimer's.   That is where the fear of aging comes in.

Somehow we need to rewrite the logical script for the rest of our life.  We need to simply adjust the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual ways of our living.  Yes, it is a challenge to accept, but either we do so or slide into that strange sad place we could be in, or could go into.  We still need to challenge ourselves in ways that we can.  We need to find ways to exercise our body.  We need to find ways to keep learning because we have to maintain 'a sharpness'.  We need to settle our emotional 'stuff' because it will drag us down and, I believe, use up more of those heartbeats we are allotted in this lifetime.  And our spirit still needs to soar, to mature, and dance of grace, dignity and joy.

A huge part of that is to find ways to deal with stress.  That has stymied me all my life. I even used to create stress to get things done; i.e.:  invite people over so I could clean my house from corner to corner, basement to rooftop.  I have begun to know that I have learned to 'let go' many things I would not believe I ever would. I realize that I need to be Present and to enjoy what I can, to avoid drama, to set boundaries, and to have some fun. 

Grief and loss did a huge number on me in 2015.  I can only say that I have begun to push through and am gaining my sense of humor back.  How I missed that.  And, that was the last to heal.  I realize how important a sense of humor is.  We need it to get through physical losses and that becomes more evident ever day.  That hard loss has brought forward, now I have stood up from being bent down to my knees, that there is much yet to experience, much yet to know, and much, yet, to get through.  A strong, sharp, happy, wizening soul is necessary.

There are still many new experiences that I need to stay active for.  I think the new experiences, making sure they are positive lessons, as much as possible, help build our resilience.  Our body might betray us, but we have three other quadrants of who we are to develop.  And friends.  Friends are imperative and not just any old friends, but those who care about us, who make us laugh, who invite us on adventures, who know our truths better than we do, and do not hold that against us. They are the ones who should invite us to dance.

And then there is the elephant in the room; change.  It is imperative that we learn how to change, to keep up the momentum of change, and how to maintain the emotional and spiritual high that comes from making good decisions, finding alternatives and then dancing with the consequences.  We need to feel satisfaction, not sadness, at our changes.  And, know, it is way easier not too because we do not need to put out physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual effort to stagnate.  And, we do not have a lot of time.  The normal life limit has been put at 86.  It is time to get our new beginnings begun.  It is time to find a way to be satisfied.  It is time to stop the wasted time of over thinking.  It is time to BE content!

No matter how close we are to 86, we need to fill our time with things that make us want to solve any new problem that comes up, to dance with joy, with excitement, with passion, with happy contentment. 

Dance, sister-friends, dance!

©Carol Desjarlais 3.26.19

Intuition/Lizard Brain

we would find it odd

if a bird

never once left her nest,

and never used

her wings

we would question why

a butterfly

became a new creature

from that encasement,

but never flew away

i wonder why

your soul has beautiful wings

yet it’s so comfortable

living in a cage;

your soul is a caged bird

a flightless butterfly,

and though you were born of earth,

you were destined for

the sky.

-Shelby Leinbach

My soul is sometimes a little bird that is singing at dawn, singing at noon, taking dibs on a place to nest, singing the mournful cry of a dove, and singing hidden under leaves during a storm.  But she sings!  There is some kind of psychic form in a woman's intuition that is layered upon what we feel and discerning how other's feel.

Our Inner Voice tends to discern other's body stance and facial expressions.  We sense knowing subtle emotional messages being sent.  Sometimes, our intuition can pick up other's aura.  We tend to have an inner dialogue about anothers tone of voice.  Perhaps we are more emotional than our brothers, after all.  We, also, seem to be able to connect to another's feelings in many subtle ways.

Perhaps we spend more time thinking about, observing, and analyzing nonverbal cues.  It may be part of our very DNA that was meant to nurture from the very beginnings.  Ah, it might even be connected to our limbic system (Lizard Brain/ amygdala ;  that ancient bit of brain that carries our instincts to warn us where danger is, what threat might be, and the place that processes our emotions.)  As well, it may be where the Ego/Crosstalk, that we may listen too, that keeps us manageable.  Intuition has all its positive qualities, but, it also has its negatives.

It will give us excuses not to succeed, and want us to keep postponing things by over thinking.  It is that critical voice inside that might symbolize a critical mother, or a critical other.  It is that place that will have us delay making decisions and thinking their might be better alternatives, without thinking of the consequences.  But, then, it might also focus on negative consequences rather than present ones.  It is that place where we replay past negatives over and over and over again and it makes us fearful, timid, uncertain.

When you are aware that your intuition has given reign to your Lizard Brain, you have to remind it that you are no longer a cavewoman.  It does not always need to relate any new circumstances to an old one.  Sometimes the negative overpowers the positives that the Lizard Brain was there for in the first place.  When you are aware of negative Inner talk, it helps if you figure out why you might react, act, think, that particular thing.  What is the main trigger?  If it belongs in the past, which it always does, then spend some time knowing the why of things and soothing yourself by acknowledging it and finding ways to let that go....finally!  Some things should have no power over us.  

Yes, there are times when danger notification should happen.  Sometimes we perceive danger when it is just a reminder of something we have not healed from in the past.  Become more aware of your inner talk and when inner talk is negative versus when intuition steps in.  The longer we listen to our Lizard Brain, the less likely we are to have our positive intuition speak to us.

If that inner voice is harping at you about not being enough, not being right, not being good, not having been ever good or right or worthy, then you are listening to your Lizard Brain, not your intuition.  If you find yourself constantly resisting something that will, logically, be better for you, and you find yourself second-guessing yourself, over and over, then that is your Lizard Brain at work, grinding you down.  We are human.  We have frailties and maybe even defects of character, but we are the ones, through our Lizard Brain processes, that keeps all those things in negative light, when positive light comes as we mature and we see that we have learned lessons, or should have, from the past.  Refuse to constantly judge yourself.

When you have allowed your Lizard Brain reign, just know that you can also quiet it.  When you learn that your Lizard Brain is doing the inner talking, causing reactions and actions that magnify what is going on, you need to take control.  Allow your spirit/soul/Intuition to do its job.

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.”
― Mary Oliver

©Carol Desjarlais 3.25.19