The Honor of One is the Honor of All

 

 

I have put the best photo, I have of her, on my screen saver.  I see it when I get up during the night.  I see her when I first it down to the computer.   I see her face before I go to bed.  I have a sense of needing to have a dream of her…a good dream…where she comes to me and says she is sorry for all the thigs she did that added drama and chaos to our lives.  Not actually saying the words, just through actions.  I always said to all the kids, “Show me you are sorry, don’t tell me you are sorry!”  Yes, I am in the stage of waiting for some kind of affirmation. 

 As a mother, I ha all the power over my kids…well, “power” is not a good word…authority?...  “Responsibility!”  There, that word.  I had a responsibility to my seven children.  My “Things to Do” as mother were to teach and model love, forgiveness, and peace, first of all. Check!   Then there was to take care of shelter and basic needs.  Check!  I modeled emotions and helped them express theirs.  Most of the time…check!  I taught them that negative emotions were gifts as well, and typically modelled the expression of such.  Check!  I needed to help them be independent.  Check!  I nurtured them and their interests as best I could as a University student and as a working single parent mom.  Check! 5/7 got it  and live successful service-oriented lives.  The kids managed to survive in spite of me.  Check!

I fins I have gone through a transition this last two weeks.   I have stayed totally in touch with my feelings.  They have a name.  I have comforted myself in positive ways.  My way of comfort is to grab an art journal and art my heart out.  I have learned abut new kinds of forgiveness.  I have been mothering myself.  I admit my wrongs and focus on how I have learned and changed and I pity my girl.  She has missed decades of my new ways of mothering.  I a setting boundaries and refuse any more secret keeping, justifying, pardoning to keep peace, etc.  W all have choices.  Our family needs to reunite.  I will conduct myself in such a way that I might orchestrate this.  No mor tippy toing around for fear of starting chaos.  No one knows the whole stories.  It takes courage and tenacity.  I have that.  I am going to continue to embody the othering gifts I have developed without fear.  Our family can come together knowing there is unity and support, caring and love…and support without the fear of being left to be fringe people.  The honor of one is the honor of all.