Living On Idle

 

 

I am working hard on sending love through the veil.  I try to keep busy, but take breaks when the wave comes over me.  I have company and they allow me my time too go outside or in the bedroom and have my cry.  At night, I force myself to go through her ages and stages of when she was little and that laughing twinkly-eyed daughter I adored.  I spend as little time as possible trying to wish I was better at knowing what she needed these last decades.  We did not abandon her, she abandoned us.  There was no chance ever given for approach.

The Viewing...  a horrible ritual that is simply devastation as one by one, people file past the family, offer condolenses and walk past my beautiful girl.  What will be said of a mother who is not there?  What would be said if I was?  I will be judged unkindly either way?  The choice was one of the most difficult I have ever made. 

I long to be with my other children, gathering strength and compassion from them.  No one knows the whole story.  The kids know the most.  Each of them had their own relationship problems with her.  These days have been hard emotional work for them, as well.  We all have waited for her to change.  She never did.  She had to hate someone all the time.  We experienced traumatic abandonments.    A few years would go by and she would return and the relationship would build again.  She had her ways of saying she was sorry.  This time, for me, and probably some of them, the “sorry” gesture did not, and cannot come.  It leaves a huge ache in my heart and I am sure, theirs as well.

I have spent this night, like every night, this week, remembering and, all night, I dreamed and spent time thinking about who dressed her, who fixed her hair, who put on her make up.  I worried that they would not know how she did her hair.  I tried to envision how she would look lying down.  Then, abruptly I would wake up or stop the thought.  I simply cannot go there.  I cannot make it real.

Oh, how grateful I am that I have such wonderful memories of her when she was little, when she was beginning to grow up, of holding her first baby in my arms after her rough delivery.  How hard it is when someone is not well, and to feel them draw away from us. 

I loved all my children the same, still do.  They were the first flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone.  I cannot explain the feeling of having one of my newborn babies and know that I truly had flesh and blood on this earth. I cannot imagine how she felt as she would realize, now, how much she missed.   

The days and nights of wonder, of weeping, of wishing and hoping, are over.  They say she looked beautiful.  They say her father is taking it hard.  They said the kids were so sweet and so loving.  They say.. where is their mother.  She is going thrug her own reckoning…kneeling at the soul of grief.  She is trying to stand alone, with those who cannot know the pain of estrangement.  My children are brave, forgiving, each trying to understand their own relationship that has ended. 

The funereal is Friday.  They say the hard part is over.   Say, “there is no healing forever, I have grieved so many times for her, I will simply grieve until my grieving is done.”  My children all said they knew I loved them, and loved her.  I do.  A mother’s love does not die, does not rest, does not stop waiting for a sign, even from heaven, that there was reciprocation of her love… a great heavy stone of need in a mother’s heart.

Messages to me last night:

“We made it to Jana’s viewing. She looked great. I had not seen her for a long time. Your kids were very loving and kind. They all looked great. Paul seems to be taking this very hard. It was a very beautiful d

ay.”

“The day is almost done… you made it through…💕💕💕

I know it’s been a tough day. I understand why you were not able to attend. I know this pain Carol…

Even though others do not let you be part today in ceremonies with love and support know I see you as your daughter’s mother. A mother gives so much in so many ways. 

We can have our own ceremonies and celebrations in our positive , nurturing, loving way. 

🐚🦅🍃✨🌙

Try to rest xo“