Another Kind of Grief

 

 

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens” ~Pema Chodron

One of the most difficult griefs to deal with is the loss of a child.  The grief never really goes away.  The best you can do is cope with it.

My way of dealing with huge emotional events is to do it alone.  It is a spiritual grief that has us turn inwards.  I do it when the main hurt gives in, typically, and this time, for sure.  I need to give myself a lot of self-love which takes bravery, takes courage, takes self-awareness.  It is how I comfort myself.  It is how I protect myself.

I have to remind myself how much I loved my child, even when she rejected us.  It is not just me that was rejected through the years.  He rejected all of us at one time o another.  What is hard is that she would return, be loving and we would be family, but then after a couple of years, her hate would return full force.  A mother never closes the door.  My door will be wide open from now until I die.

Having an estranged daughter means that I could not love her as she deserved and she could not love me as I deserved.  And, loving self does not make the grief go away.  It means that the longing for what could have been will dissipate.  In its place is a loneliness that one cannot describe.  All I can do is to keep sending out the love I had wished to give her. 

Mourning for self is not self-pity.  It is a way of honoring how much our lost one means to us.  It means that we acknowledge the pain and gives us a space for us to try to heal that is in a spiritual realm part of our life. 

Knowing how grief affects me is an important part to me understanding what to do with the loss and the pain.  The more you are in tune with you authentic feelings, the easier it is to know the right feelings, the easier it is to grieve. 

The funeral is tomorrow... and other tough day.  I ma missing it, the gathering of my other kids, and what my relationship could have been with her.  I will be spending a quiet day, full of memories…only accepting the good ones.