Having Space Held For me

 

 

I am a blessed woman.  The day my daughter died, (it is still not real) my best friend’s daughter came to stay with me.  And the next day, The Bee Man’s brother, wife and nephew came to stay for three days. ( a family who lost two sons in their early 50s in the last couple of years).  When they left, that afternoon, another friend’s daughter came to spend three days.  I have never been alone, other than the nights while I ghosted around the house and wandering outside under the night sky trying to sort thigs out.  It softened the blow. 

I had made a quick trip, a week before,  down to Montana to get material for a shawl and the ribbon skirt    We had originally planned to make her shawl and my ribbon skirt.  I was going to spend a day with her, talking and telling, sharing and caring.  Little did I know, it was being involved in such that would help sustain me.  Little did she know what she would be called on to deal with…a heavily grieving mother, following behind her like a lost soul, unable to process anything.  I was truly blessed by her. That first day of grief.

My next young visitor is a young woman who quietly fills space and she is here to help me through The Viewing time.  This young woman has a presence that is huge and full of compassion.  She has seen me through three dark days. 

Few people around me know what has happened.  I chose to tell few.  How do you tell such a thing as a loss so huge?  How do you simply say, “She was ‘estranged’” and not feel like you have to tell a bit more of it...that pain a mother holds in her heart, that bleeds with every thought of her? 

I have made it through the hardest time.  The funeral is on Friday.  I will spend that day in quiet thought and healing. There is not an elephant in the room. There is a daughter in the room.   

I cannot express to any of these wonderful people who came and held space for me.  I am blessed by them.