Estrangement: to turn away in feeling or affection, unfriendly, hostile, alienate the affections… There is secrecy and shame around past conflicts, violations of trust, unmet hopes and dreams, exhaustion in trying to resolve conflicts, refusal to accept intolerable behavior, no apology, no forgiveness, disrespect and ignoring, and leaving a sad legacy that involves the whole family in different ways. Each, in the family, has typically had their own confrontations and betrayals and so each have their own sense of grief that may be different from each other. All have experienced the bitterness and drama created and each will try to keep secret the reasons for the estrangement. This causes a rift between members of the family, caused by the estrangement of one. The judgment of others, outside the family have no idea about anything other than there is one who has abandoned the family members. It is easy for them to place guilt and to shame those involved without ever even beginning to know the deep reasons behind the un-mended rift. And then the one who abandons and rejects the love of parents and siblings dies without ever coming to rectify the feelings. What then, do we do with the ultimate grief once all hope for repair is gone?
As a other, I have felt the guilt and shame that I had to have done something different but did not know what to do, and so I allowed her to sit outside the circle and did not attempt to approach because it could make things worse. I kept myself separate from any relationship, long or short term, she might have with the others. I have carried an open wound since the first abandonment, then when she came back and we mended the relationship, it only lasted for a couple of years and she as back into the hate again. She returned to us a few times. Each time it ended, there was great grief. I have grieved over her several times during her life.
She w volatile in her hate as she always had to hate someone in the family. I allowed it to be me since she was 14. Ten she lived with us three times, the last being when she was pregnant, alone, and needed her mother to see her through for a couple of years. But, then, boom, due to being bi-polar, she was back into the hate. The rejection usually came from lies she told and she needed to keep her loved ones away from those of us who knew her truths and she w afraid we would tell them and destroy the fairytale life she was building. Somehow, she was able to have a deeply loving relationship with her husband. But, he had to be kept away and on her side through unimaginable lies she told hm and her children to keep them from us. Now, she has died and we will not ever grieve the way others might expect. Some of us might feel relief. I feel relief that her emotional struggles, that feelings she must of had of being alone, her unhappiness, and ours, is over.
We are left with the grief of knowing that the relationship we longed for will never happen. She will never reach out and come into the family fold again. We are challenged to remember the good times with her. I, as he mother, remember those choice moments of having her placed in my arms in the social worker’s office and being asked if we wanted her. Oh, how I wanted her. I was told I would have no more children and I had two little boys. I adored her. She was a mama’s girl. I have so many cute memories of her. And I remember when things, later in life, where things were really really good. She could not help herself. The more layers of secrecy and lies, the more complicated the relationship became… driven by her sickness.
Today is her funeral. Two of her siblings and her other will not be there. I do not want to add drama for her husband and two children. They believe what they have been told and they do not know the truth of things. Two of her siblings will not be there. Each for their own reasons.
We have to stand on our own truths, not herds, any longer, to appease her and keep from having confrontation or chaos in the family. My other kids support her and I in standing for our truths today by not going to the funeral. It is our final way of healing to not get involved in the hypocrisy of such. Those who love us support us in this decision. We cannot care for those who judge us for this. No one who has not been through what we have, with her, can understand and they cannot know because we kept it all a secret. No more. Our relief has come in simply letting the last of it go and say ‘No more lies”.
We have no more hopes of reconciliation. We have no more wishes or longings. It is over and done. Her anger, gossip and abuse has ended. We are going to expend our energy on each other and on those who love us and know. We are doing what feels right for us. We are honoring our own grief that goes way beyond all this. We are processing the truths now, rather than leave them buried for fear. We are focusing on the present and on realistic expectations for there is no chance for her to take back all that was done.
Peace has come to rest on both of our shoulders. We have made the best choices for us. For those who cannot understand, we forgive you for not knowing.
©Carol Desjarlais 6.23.23
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