There feels like there is a black hole in my emotional life. A piece of my life is missing in the puzzle that is my life. Of course, it is my daughter, but it is as if she suddenly disappeared and I am only conscious of… well, it is like a photograph that has one person torn out of it. Yes, like that. It is almost like a vacuum and I get sucked into it throughout the day and it has me feeling emotional. I am a little lost.
I try to spend time, throughout the day, sitting outside (or, for those that know me, know that I walk in circles in deep thought). I am able to have the uncomfortable conversations with self. As a mother, I made mistakes. I had seven children, the last three in three years. I was often stressed to the max, I am sure that I could have done better. I have to remind myself that I did what I I when I did it because I knew no better.
Although the divorce was the best thing I ever did for us, there were repercussions. For some of the kids, it meant choosing sides. So many were involved that should not have been. So many secrets. To some, it meant that they felt abandoned. Legal issues made decisions that we did not choose. It is hard to expect a fourteen- and 16-year-old to understand that, in legal situations, the mother does not have a choice. It became all part of the deal that I got full custody of the four little ones and joint custody of the two next oldest. The oldest was already away and on his own way. Kids did not have a choice. Although the divorce was a gift to their father and I, it was desperately difficult for the kids to understand. There were lots of emotional issues and being a mother, from afar, was not enough mothering. But I could not stay, for all of us. I do not know how I could have done differently. I am not sorry for leaving but I was deeply sorry for the disruption. There is no good time for a divorce. I do not regret it but there are lots of mothering regrets. This is part of the conversations I have had with myself…part pf that black hole one needs to visit and allow to slip into the past.
Sometimes, it is all too much and I feel myself go numb. I am struck dumb with those shadow memories. Although five of the kids have made such successes in their lives. I made a success of mine. I have remained a bit of a fringe person in the older kids lives. It was, and remains, situational. It was what it was and is what it is. It takes hard work on everyone’s part. I am so proud of all my kids. I hope that now the kids can find a way to keep the family intact. As parents, we have to create the environment that is conducive to this.
As I struggle through these first weeks of grief, I am challenged to try to keep the grief personal. I remind the kids that once there was this laughing beautiful little soul that was their sister, that will always be one of my babies. I believe they understand that in complex relationships, there is complex grief. And, once in a while, we will all have those Black Hole moments to dive in to and get though.
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