There is a certain kind of numbness, a sense of letdown, a sense of finality, that has come over me. Some part pf me, the grieving mother, is frozen or lost in some kind of fog. I a managing day to day thig, but part of my day are distant. No matter the relationship, other than that it was complicated, has me unable, right now, to process it. I was worried about how my other children were processing it all, especially my youngest daughter.
I recognize this numbness as a part of my grief processing and is common when the death of a child happens. It might not be the process of anyone else’s, but it is mine, and I know there is a time when it will dissipate and I will feel whole again.
The relationship was difficult to say the least. I knew she was ill but she would not allow u in to help her, to love her. And so, the love stacked up until she did something cruel to another person in our family, and then there was an emotional withdrawal yet again. She set up walls to keep us all out so we were paralyzed to do anything about her anger. Most of the family just took it saying it was just her way. Most tiptoed around her. Some of us waited on the fringes and simply wait for the downfall. It is no wonder that all of us have a complicated grief now that she is gone. This numbness I feel might be experienced with the rest of the family.
There is a certain disorientation, a protective defense that is felt. That feeling towards and about her is not new. I think most of us were in defensiveness around her and around the relationship. It was a shock to have her die of a heart attack at 52. All of us have unfinished business around her. All of us have experienced an emotional crisis. How do we feel? What do we feel about the guilt that comes because we did not do all we could have, perhaps. She refused and blocked any of us when she was in an episode of hate. The viewing and the funeral are over but the feelings of crisis is not, even though we may disavow them. The body is tired of all the released adrenaline and stress, the complicated feelings that come in a complicated relationship. It is going to take some time for all of us to come to terms with this.
I am one who compartmentalizes things, even disassociate from things for a short time. So, I know this will pass as I do the work necessary. I am leaving on a cruise for a week o I have something to focus on and a time to rest the mind and glorify the beauty of the world again. Every plant, every flower, every note, every call of love has supported me. I lose it with everyone. But, my way of ‘losing it’, is to withdraw and cry on the inside. But it is grieving, and I do not judge myself harshly for grieving in such a way.
The fog will pass. I acknowledge the pain. I acknowledge the guilt. I acknowledge the need to work hard on every aspect of this grief until it dissipates. It will pass. There will forever be a hole in the soul that holds all the wishes, dreams, hopes, and prayers I have held for her all her life. I am confined to the good memories of her childhood before the illness overtook her. I will remember being at her side during her childbirthing and having them live with us the times he did and things were good. Someone we once loved is gone. We are left to heal and transition into this family of 6 children now. Accepting this fog as a healing process we go through is okay and normal for the circumstances. This has changed us all. I am working through that change.
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