Processing Death of an Estranged Daughter

 

 

I am alone to honor my grief which is a good thing.  I am surrounded by memories of my first little girl and how much I wanted her, adore her, spoiled her.  We got her when she was 13 days old. 

I remember walking into that bare office and being told to wait.  They brought her in and I could hardly wait to have her I my arms.  The worker finally came and she was handed to me.  The moment I saw her face, I knew she was mine.  She was all pear faced and beautiful.  We were left with her for aa few minutes and then the administrator came in and invited us in to his office to sign the final papers. He said, “Do you want her?”  I was insulted... omg I wanted a baby girl. I had two boys 4 years old and 2 years old and I had had to have my tubes tied so there would be no more pregnancies…  oh I wanted her,

We all doted on her.  She was beautiful.  Her hair turned blond and her eyes were brown.  She was a smiling happy baby, toddler, and little girl.  I dressed her like a dream.  She had the most giggling beautiful laugh and her eyes sparkled mischievously  Yes, I adored her and she was a mama’s girl. 

When she was ten, things started to show up that made me know she was struggling with emotional issues.  I eventually took her to a doctor and he explained genetic issues could be showing up.  I then adopted another baby girl that was given to me by a grandmother.  Then two years later I had my tubal reversed and had three babies in three years.  JanaDee struggled with the addition of each new baby.  She was no longer The Baby. 

With the years, came the coming and goings.  She came to live with us several times.  The last time she lived with us (by us, I mean the four youngest ones) when she first graduated, then when she found that she was pregnant and abandoned by the father.  Those were the priceless years.  She lived with us during her pregnancy and then when her baby was born, I aw her through the whole birthing and held my grandson first.  They lived with us for two years until she met her soon-to-be husband.  Oh how we loved her and her son… so many wonderful memories.  We were so close and I even quit work to take care of my grandson and another granddaughter.  What joy they all brought to our lives. 

There was a great upheaval then.  I took the blame for something someone else did.  They never forgave me.  Let it go and was the recipient of her hate, of their hate, for all these years.  She continued to have problems with everyone of our families.  She would hate her dad, then one of the other kids, and life with her was difficult… but I never gave up hope that her truths would come out and she would simply come and say she was sorry.  It never happened.

Now it can never happen.  We are left with unfinished business.  It makes the grief all the sharper.  I, again, grieve from afar.  And, now, one more great sorrow to go through.

I am not going to my daughter’s funeral.  I am afraid of all the emotion and that her family would not see me as a grieving mother and there would be drama.   I will grieve on my own, as seems to be my wont.  I am holding space for myself.  I have grieved over and for her so many times.  Now there is the loss of hope that she will ever come to me an say she was sorry and I could give her all the love she had missed.  The relationship can never be repaired.  So much regret. No hope for reconciliation.  I have held that hope and held the door open for her for two decades. 

My emotions are all over the place.  I go through sadness, anger, guilt, and a loss so deep I can not fathom how to move out of it other than to love myself, to acknowledge the sadness, to acknowledge that there had to be a way I could have resolved this, and honor that I loved her fiercely, more than she could even know.

My oldest son sent a beautiful message:

“I imagine her with Grandma… right now.  Getting from her as she makes this transition., . As she has unburdened herself from the physical things of this world.  Grandma… is showing her all the true love people have for her.  Jana will have no more insecurities, jealousies and hate in her soul.  It will be filled with pure love.  I’m positive Grandma … who Jana loved dearly, is by her side showing her a mother who has always loved her dearly. “

That is where he places his hope.  That is where he counsels me to put mine. 

©Carol Desjarlais 6.16.23