It appears, to me, that we divert a great deal of energy into false sense of security, into waste of energy and time, to create the illusion of control. We obsess about our diets, we follow leaders whose eye are green with greed and whose ideologies are full of control, or we create superstitious rituals and ceremonies that reflect other traditions in order to appear to have control. Billions are spent on ‘quick fix’ solutions. We want to hand over outcomes to someone we have decided might have the control or might appear to have the control. No matter what we do, we do not. The only control we have is over ourselves. When life is good, peaceful, and we are mostly happy, we praise a Higher Power. We feel deservedness when we feel like we have done good and that peace and happiness are a gift for being ‘sinless’. We are devastated when things do not go well because we equate that with us being, somehow, ‘undeserving’, having done something ‘bad’, and this higher power is grabbing back his gift for being ‘good’. Some people revel in being tried, being tested, being punished. We believe that we ‘deserve’ what we get. We believe we cause unjust things to happen to us because we lack ________ (insert whatever Patriarchal term we have been conditioned to use. Some say we needed to learn lessons of ____ (insert virtue) and we slog through as if it were a lesson. Many of us simply find ourselves disillusioned, wounded, in pain, and we feel rejection by that Higher Power as we wonder at the randomness of justice and being unfairly put upon.
I could be an ancient Monk that uses flagellation to keep me humble. I could take all the blame for my oldest daughter’s behavior, for the mess she found herself in, for her early demise due to a heart attack. I could blame her father. I could blame any number of people around her through her teen years and on up. Oh, what stress she had to be under for her to die of a heart attack at 52. I am pretty sure she had no where else to turn and her life had totally unraveled. She chose to create a false narrative about her whole life…. Her choices, led her to be found on the floor. No one was left to rescue her, to excuse her, to comfort her. We cannot impose our ideologies on to her, though. She, like we all do, chose to do what we do when we do them, for Ego reasons that are as individual as our souls. I cannot believe, though, her suffering that led her there…that place of the dark night of her soul.
We have been conditioned to not ask the “why” of things and simply accept them as a given for whatever reason the Universe (if even the Universe has a purpose) might have. It is impossible for any of us to now her why, any more than we now any why that some unjust things can happen in life, and impossible for us to relate to her predicament if we have not walked the many miles she walked in her life.
We all live in a state of not knowing what the future might bring and whether we can bear it or not. We can apply our different faiths, beliefs, understandings, but the reality is, we can not know the WHY of most anything. Life is a trial. Life is a series of what brings us happiness, choices that lead us there, and things that will bend us like willows at a river’s edge.
I guess that is why it is important to enjoy every moment of tranquility and justice that we experience. I guess we have to not live in fear and make fear-based decisions because we are waiting for the next ‘horrible’ event to happen to us. I guess we have to not question because there are no answers. Life simply is what it I because of our choices. No matter the choices, there is an outcome that is random and is simply what we chose/choose. No thing on earth or haven can change outcomes. The outcomes will also be what they will be without intercedence of something we have decided to put above ourselves.
We are made up of a need for purpose and cause and effect. We need each other. Thee is even a fear in the idea that life is random. We crave a leader (someone in charge), or we become one to fulfil that craving. Again, we NEED each other for the comfort and care that comes from being untied. Today our world is seriously divided over every arena of we have thought up. Families are disintegrating, people are suffering. We have stepped relating to each other as if they were, we all are, spiritual beings. There are some things we can prove. There are patterns we an follow back to find causes and ideas about how not to experience such and such again. But that is no guarantee, even so. It is all about choices. It is all about making choices without consideration of consequences and alternatives. We may choose one thing, thinking that would give us relief or happiness, and then find out that it has not. We cannot even save ourselves. That is why it is so important to stay Present. This moment is all we have.
Forgive the musings of a wounded mother in the middle of this night. I am trying to keep it real for myself. This is when I do my best thinking.
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