How difficult it is to accept Self as it is. I am in my 73rd year and I am still trying to accept myself, accepting the good with the not good, and changing what needs to be redefined. Yes! It is an ongoing process, I am afraid.
After a failed Thanksgiving dinner where no one phoned to cancel, and sitting, staring at all the turkey dinner fixings and wondering how on earth that can happen, I struggled, knowing I had done so much work, and now I had to work on accepting that some people you simply cannot count on. Rather than obsess over it, I said, Aloud, “I am a good woman!” and gave self positive input all day. It relieved the pressure of having been let down in a big way. Mind you, it was no surprise. Some people are not part of your own personal tribe. Finally, one showed up and stayed long enough to grab a quick bite, grab some turkey to take home, and head off to a ‘party’. Then, we called a younger friend who never lets us down, and he so enjoyed the dinner and movies afterwards. The day was full of positivity in spite of it all. And I had made a major change. I was not insulted. I was not angry. I was at peace with the day and we enjoyed the food and will enjoy it with more friends later this week. I am so imperfect, truly, but I am working it out, every once in a while, in a perfect way. Perfect, for me!
How many times do we need to read, to hear, to be told, to feel, that we are ENOUGH, before it sinks in? I spent a lifetime thinking that I could mask how I felt about Self. I wore right clothing. I put on make up in complimentary ways. I kept my hair perfect, and to those ‘in the know’, it was all a shield, a mask, a way to hide how ugly I felt inside. You can see women like me out and about. Perfectly put together…too perfectly. Too positive! Too walled off from making deep, feeling, relationships that I could walk away from on a dime! Women who cannot feel at peace with Self, never mind, the world! I was not an honest woman. I was a mere shell of who I really was. I gave compassion, understanding, love and acceptance to others, but I never could for myself.
To never accept self, to never give yourself what you offer others, is to be living in a foreign land. There are many reasons, from being an abandoned child, to being adopted, to being different, and each layer of abandonment and non-acceptance of others, only compounded my feelings of NOT BEING ENOUGH! And, of course, all the disappointments, all the failures, all the reasons that I scripted to have more people abandon me, all added up to more and more non-acceptance of Self. I held many self-destructive beliefs about Self, coming right from the Primal Wound. I was nothing but hurry and worry, trying to stay ahead of the negatives. Learning to honor Self, as a brave, courageous, REAL woman, has taken me a long ways into healing.
Every day, I practice the act of forgiving self. Every day, I have needed to. I can be such a klutz and sometimes pain has me raw, never mind real. And, if I am not forgiving myself, I am ‘pardoning’ myself. I accept that I can drop things, that I can trip over things, and it is not the end of the danged world. Forgiving Self is all about accepting that I am not perfect, never will be, and I am okay, with small tweaks... ok, large tweaks, some days.
I have learned, and am still learning, to take a pause… to stop what I am doing, have just done, and give myself a good talking too. I pause and then I give myself permission to make mistakes, and fix mistakes. I pause and give myself Permission to rest, to do nothing all day, to go to sleep early, to stay up when I get up in the middle of the night, and to rest and do art all day if I feel like it. I give myself permission to tell my truths, no matter how it might be received. I lived a lie for so long, and as I age, I find truth-telling even easier. I have learned to be gentle with myself, as well. I will never disclose my ‘secrets’ to a best friend, ever again. It allows power over me and sometimes my choice of those to trust has been wrong and I have paid dearly. Sometimes, we do have to have it be ‘all about me”. I am learning to listen better to my inner voice (soul voice) and to trust my intuition. I am going to continue to be compassionate with self, to accept who and what I am, and to not care if others like me, accept me, judge me, whatever me… I am enough. Being authentic is more important to my own sense of self, than any other’s acceptance could be.
No one can see it is easy to balance EGO with Self-Acceptance; Self-Acceptance with Compassion; Compassion without remembering to turn that in on Self; Self-Centredness versus Self-care. Give yourself permission to accept yourself, to love, honor and be gentle with Self. It works wonders, even if you have to do it a thousand times some days. You are enough!
©Carol Desjarlais 14.10.20
*** painting done with Open up Your Creative Soul, Christa Forrest
No comments:
Post a Comment