Yes, life can be difficult, but climb that mountain, swim that ocean, and learn to ride that storm. During Covid, I have done things to make Happiness possible each day. I have redefined Happiness. Sometimes happiness is simply “feeling good”. Sometimes, it is the gift of joining the Vernon Lapidary Club and that one day a week field trip that has me digging in the beautiful smell of Mother Earth. Some days, it is that morning weigh in and finding I have lost another pound (no diet – just losing). Some days, it is as simple as having a ‘good’ hair day. Happiness, for sure, is an inner thing amidst this all.
I spent decades worrying. My Lizard Brain was very much in survival mode. I, also, for decades, spent a great deal of time smiling, and masking my inner turmoil was all I knew to do because I id not have the skills to be authentic and deal with my authentic feelings. I was almost manic in hiding my truths because, to keep busy meant to keep authenticity buried. I was anxious, a whole lot OCD and another whole lot being anxious. To deal with this all, I disassociated from a great deal of my reality. People liked me, until they did not. Because, when thing got too heavy (and life does that) all that that had been piling up, would overwhelm me. That ‘One More Thing’, n matter how inconsequential, would open up all those denied feelings and I became a volcano of emotions. I had to make some drastic changes n the way I dealt with life. Seven children, and a brain bleed later, I abruptly made a choice that would change the trajectory of my life. I left an abusive relationship of 19 years, took my children and went to University. Sometimes, I know, that if I had known how difficult it was going to be, I might not have done it and I would not have survived. But I made the right choice, finally, and my life changed incredibly. I learned to still deal with life raw and real. It did not happen overnight, but leaving and going to University saved me, in fact, saved all of us.
Learning from the lessons of my past took over. I soon became aware of what great teachers’ hard times can be. It took only a few years to get my emotions screwed in place, to become grateful…. Yes, grateful… for all those open wounds, in my world of hurt, to be healed. I did not do it alone. I made more and more right choices and I learned to turn negatives into positives. I made sure I went to counseling in order not to be the ping pong woman who returns, again and again, back into the original situation. I learned to deal with every emotion as it came up. Yes, I was finally raw and real. It was not a decade before I realized that I could also be grateful for all the scars on my Being. It made me a better mother, daughter, sister, woman, bit by bit, and, most of all, it made me really good at my career. Most often, children, youth, young adults, adults and elders did not need to say words they, themselves, could not find. I became aware that I knew the nuances of those who could not express what, sometimes, was the most inexpressible. I became stronger, wiser, more compassion for others, and became more compassionate with myself. I found purpose for my decades of silence about my own realities. I found purpose for those negatives and turned them into positives.
I retrained my whole body, psyche, emotions, and soul to find Joy, to find contentment, to seek healing/overcoming and how to thrive in positive ways. I learned to stop the negative Self-talk that had kept me in survival mode. I rebuked the negative memories that no longer fit my Present. I refused to let ‘night talk’ through scrolling negative thoughts and dreams, to rob me of my Joy at being found, of having found and cultivated the real me.
I taught myself to make conscious decisions that would keep me grounded in the Present. I invested in activities, people, places and things that kept me healing and authentic. Oh, yes, I did continue to make some rotten choices, but retraining my ideology of life being about right decisions, helped me correct those diversions on my path. I learned to immerse myself, totally, in the things that brought me joy and comfort, and dignity. Over the next decades, I learned to give myself credit for all the right things and to correct the negative things. It took less and less time to turn negatives into positives.
I learned to enjoy moments in a day, then hours, then days, then weeks, then months. It was danged hard work to retrain my psyche. I learned I was one brave woman. I was courageous. I was ‘good enough’. I deserved compassion and credit and I learned to take compliments and I learned to compliment myself. I maximized the good moments, the moments of joy. I loved, raw and real. I was greatly loved in return. In fact, it was as if life itself loved me. I learned to luxuriate in those loving, good, moments. I learned to live a positive life, with all its normal ups and downs, and how to rebound from slippage. I practiced, first and foremost, being compassionate to myself. I bult on my strengths. I learned to flow through life rather than bouncing off the walls of life.
There is not enough time in my world to tell you exactly how to do it, for I am still a work in progress, and I believe I will be so all my life. I can not tell you how to turn your focus from the past, and in worry about the future, to living a Present life. It took me decades, as I have said. What worked for me might not work for you. You need to find your own path to living a full, magical, mystical, wonderful life full of teachings we need to be willing to learn. But, if you find yourself in some of the postings in this blog, then I have succeeded in passing along some of my learnings.
May you live a more positive life. May you redefine Happiness, for yourself. Brave on, sisterfriends. Brave On!
©Carol Desjarlais 13.10.20
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