Until We Meet Again

“Since a part of your soul dies when your soulmate leaves, you will never feel entirely the same. Your new partner will make you happy, but it won’t be the same insane feeling overthrowing your whole body and soul. It will be much more stable, rational, calm, comforting. Which may be a good thing in the end. Nobody can live on an infinite rollercoaster.” – Recycled.

Firewood

i plant trees

so i have wood for fire

to burn old sticks of memory

that wound me as i pass

rising smoke scribes lovenotes

into black mouth that swallows things

the last of my love is flung     like rising shards

in hopes it might be seen     by someone who might be sleeping

or might be winged     or might be nothing

in spite of my Achlys’ blindness     i have seen within wisps

of Nyx’s backlit clouds         

Nott’s hair flowing    as she rides a wild horse

of my blackened grief

a clenched fist of heart     thrums against my solitude

alone     i am      without flesh and bone

my laughing leaves     stripped and flung to furthest fields

my evening bonfires     built for comfort

against night thoughts

betrays me      with stories from yesterdays’ fires

my trees are now too big for tearing out

their gift to me are large limbs

reaching down      to embrace my quietude

when my night loneliness takes up new roots

©Carol Desjarlais 7.3.20

Happy birthday in heaven, my soulmate.

©Carol Desjarlais 7.4.20

A message from Richard’s older brother, Gil Cross Sr.:

And So, I Wander

and so    I wander

stars turned their eyes from me
moon covered her face with soft cotton cloth
night bowed her head
until all was dark and warm and comforting

Cyprus trees scythe night's garden
owls called their messengers
sting of you being cut free left me broken
as you took flight towards a hidden sun

your soul      a rising phoenix
whip of leather tether
sliced your shadow away from you
and left it clinging to my heart

I wander      now      in foreign land
my hands no longer mine
my feet older than dirt they walk upon
my eyes forever blinded
by your loving light

I wander    aimlessly
for it is not by choice I stay
here is where you are not
here is where I have no map    no compass
for you were my morning star

this river is high and wild
that needs your paddle      sure and strong
this boat rocks    filled with maddened foam
laughing rocks reach out    but I am leery

go now    breath begins to grab leaves
I shall welcome glacial ice
to entomb what is most dear of you
somewhere near my soul's winter

and so it is    I wander

©Carol Desjarlais 7.27.19

Grief does not go away.  It morphs into a deeper and deeper longing, no matter where you are, who you are with, whether you believe ion heaven or not.   I will spend the rest of my life with a deep-seated loneliness that never leaves.  On low days, I will long for my ‘life’ back.  On high days, I will laugh at memories and see your feathers and share memories of us.  But, every day, there is something that reminds me that I am waiting, learning to live without you another day, and being aware of that eternal longing.  I AM MISSING PART OF MY HEART.

Carol Desjarlais 7.4.20