Trust Issues

All of us sensed betrayal at some point.  Sometimes, over years and years, we can develop a deep emotional bond with a friend.  It is common amongst women to have deep intimate relationships with a girlfriend.  But, there can be the worst betrayal, akin to having a partner have an affair that can ruin that relationship.  It is pure toxicity and as they say, “A woman always knows”, except with a girlfriend that has shared so much of one’s life, we never see it coming.  At least, I never.  I realize, now, that we had blurred boundaries and the ‘friendship’ was dangerous.  

Over the years, there had been signs but I refused to see them.  Or, I excused them.  The relationship was always on her terms.  Seriously, it hit me like a Junior High School girl competition in so many ways.  It gave me huge pause because a few weeks before she had chastised me and it really hurt.

It hurt because for four years she had nearly drained me dry when she wanted something, some support, someone to unload on, and I had never done anything but try to help her through whatever problem she was having next.  There was never reciprocation or ownership, nor change, and she always wanted someone else (usually me) to give her suggestions and then she did not have to own it and did what she wanted that kept her in conflict with life and others anyways.  I had to stand up for her with my own partner as he saw it, could not understand it, and was uncomfortable with the way he felt she used me.  I am a big girl and told him that but was getting more and more uncomfortable with it all.  I started to withdraw.  As happens, when you withdraw from a narcissistic person, her dark side started showing more and more as I tried to extricate myself from her drama and chaos.  I had to be blunt and simply say, I had to take a break because I could not deal with it any more.  I knew it was costing me too much.  Little did I know she would make me pay even more.

Someone who plies at your life with their drama is not a friend.  The negativity and toxicity is horrible and you have to know they will use you in their drama eventually.  Yes, we can bitch and bellyaches, in a place and space we thought safe, but things can turn malicious and when it does, it strikes you at the very core of your trust issues.  It is strange that they are the kind of person who is all emotional over their own pitiful muddle of puddles, but to have that emotional support for others is simply not there when you need it.  It will happen in little bits over the years, and it sneaks up on you, seemingly all of a sudden, when you truly do need that support.  As time goes by, I realize what a burden she was on my life, how every day meant I would spend time in her chaos and emotionalism.  Her weight was heaviest when I realized I did not have it any more.  

That a long-time friend would use one’s secrets against them is horrible.  And, suddenly she had all kinds of lists of my transgressions.  Her daughter had always said that her mother would never say she was sorry for anything.  I know that now and am ever so grateful she does not try to apologize.  I have nothing left to say or share with her.  I am done and when I am done, I am really done.   I gather up my guts and move on and am finding so much relief… seriously, relief.  

I know that I will be much more emotionally distant to any of my other friends.  If someone that close to me could betray me so, then my emotional being cannot trust anyone, including myself, for a long time.  

I tend to myself, daily, with positive morning drawing of tarot, of making sure I start out the day with reminding myself what a good friend I am, with memories of how others respect, and, yes, cherish, me.  After falling to sleep making sure I lay down all my burdens (I use a burden basket which I will explain in a later post) down.  Self-care has to always come first, no matter who, when what, why, or where.

I wish you self-care so that no one can define you in their own perspectives.  I wish you boundaries that keep you from allowing someone to cross them.  I wish you true, deep, loving, forgiving, equality, in your friendships.

©Carol Desjarlais 7.14.20