Ennui

“…a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.” – dictionary

It is very easy to get a case of ennui with this isolation and different ways of living everyday normal life.  I have bouts of energy and then bouts of no energy and some days, well… ennui!  I work hard to add something new and different to every day – my art saves me.  I bought a couple of new books.  I have a crochet dishcloth pattern I am starting.  I joined a group that has nothing to do with art and is all about laughter of senior women.  And, it rains…and rains…and rains…and rains.

I am one who needs change and needs life to spark once in a while.  I need something worthwhile to fill my time – at least, what feels like worthwhile to me.  I know that feeling bored makes me boring.  I need things to interest me (thank god for the internet and google).  I need to make sure there are breaks throughout the day and some days to change things up.  I need to feel like I am learning, that I am progressing, that I am doing something to better myself every day.  

Ennui is not depression, but, if ennui is prolonged, it can become so.  I refuse to let it be.  This is not the end of the danged world; this is a moment in history where we are in a global crisis and I need to see it through.  It will not be the only one, I think.  I need to keep the rules and keep others safe, as well.  I think that ennui, to me, means just feeling ‘blah’...not sad, not pessimistic, not optimistic, just blah!  And, I do not feel it ‘forever’, just some time during a day or two once in a while.  But it is the realization that I am feeling it is the trigger to get going and try something new. 

Ennui is a force that presses down on everything about purpose, and meaning, and indifference to what is one’s future.  It can last for a few hours, a day, a few days, or for a long time.  It can become chronic and this is when it becomes dangerous.  When we lose our joy for any length of time, we can slip into a longterm sense of emptiness.  Apathy is common in those who cannot seem to find satisfaction in life in general.  Greif can be a great driver of ennui.  I know I have a low-level sense of wondering why about so many things.  I manage to dissuade myself, but it is always there, since losing my soulmate.  I have heard many who say they are ready, they are done, it cannot come too soon.  While it may frighten some, in my case, it just means I am putting one foot in front of another and, yes, I am ready, for the good times feel gone.  

 I fight the negative side of this and try to make the most of every day, in some way, find some way to soothe myself in positive ways, and try to not feel like one day is tedious and wearying and frustrating as the next.

Do you ever experience a sense of ennui?  How do you hold it down or beat it?

©Carol Desjarlais 7.6.20