Some street of broken dreams
An angel cries
She’s got broken wings
Such a lonely place
When it seems you fall from grace
That you’d dreamed alone
Needs a heart
That’s not made of stone
Tears trickle down her face
When it seems she falls from grace
Well, I could have told you
That dreamers will hold you
And drifters will dance through your life
Somebody sold you
Some dreams that just weren’t true
And, Baby, I know they were right
Yesterday’s soul
Belongs to the roses
Of lovers who slipped through your life
And only the Lord knows
The season when love grows
But in the stillness of those soft summer nights
Got too hard to be in the light
When it seems you fall from grace
When it seems you fall from grace
In the circle of her arms
She kept her babies so safe and warm
But saving me a place
Every time I’d fall from grace
Well, I could have told you
That dreamers will hold you
And drifters will dance through your life
Somebody sold you
Some dreams that just weren’t true
And, Baby, I know that there right
Fallin’ I’m fallin’
And I hear you callin’
I’ll be crawlin’ back to your grace again
Fallin’ I’m fallin’
And I hear you callin’
I’ll be crawlin’
Back to your grace again
I’ll be crawlin’
Back to your grace again
Every time we fall from grace
Every time we fall from grace
Every time we fall from grace
I was so brainwashed when I left marriage to the kid’s dad, that I believed all the names and critiques he had said to me, over and over and over, for 19 years. I had left him, and taken the littlest kids and went to University. In 3 ½ years, I aced University (I always told the kids that WE got A+ marks and included them in OUR University success) and did 5 years of courses in that time. I left with a B.Ed, and 5th year specialization in Native American Studies. I had moved to the far North to a wonderful Northern Woodland Cree Reserve and loved every minute of it. On my first summer home, of course, I fell in love with a wonderful Metis man (Metis is French and Cree).
He was great fun, lots of laughter, gentlehearted and soul-centered, a great adventurous male role-model for the kids, a very talented musician and artist, very intelligent and we had a great relationship…. for 6 months. He wrote songs about us and our adventures in Native American ceremonies and rituals and ways of being. Then his monster returned (I knew he was a recovering alcoholic and drug-user) and of all the people who should have been able to help him (I had a drug and alcohol counseling certification, as well), I knew you can not help your own. I would not have alcohol and drugs around my children, nor have a person using around them, and I asked him to leave. He went back into treatment after a 6-month binge. He was a binger and when he drank and did drugs, he was the typical personality of one. It was horrible painful for all of us. I ended up giving him three chances over 9 years, always promising, if he got his sobriety and got clean, that I would not give up on him. Eventually, I had to move on. He tried and tried to stay clean and find his way back. He stayed in contact every year, and would ask for another chance. I could not because I knew how habituated he was to the lifestyle. Our many times we went to Medicine People for help with it all, brought us closer in many ways, but I , and the kids, could not compete with his Mistresses of drugs and alcohol that he held most allegiance to. It was over by 1994, although I heard from him throughout the years and the kids made contact with him (my two youngest adored him). I had kept the children as sheltered as I could from him and every time I asked hi to leave, it was more for them than for me. I simply would not drop my boundaries around it all no matter how great he was when he was clean. I never remarried. We never divorced. I carry his last name yet. He died last year. The two youngest took their children and went to his funeral. We are still close to his mother ( McMammy) and his youngest sister. and I stile have a beautiful ongoing relationship with them to this day.
That relationship taught me more than any University courses. I learned more about how to do my job/career. All my psychology classes were merely textual until I met and loved hm and then I learned more about myself than I ever really wanted to.
There are many songs, he wrote, and used in his many musical gigs. Most of his earliest, and I believe ‘best’ songs were about us, our experiences living in Native American communities and about our beautiful way of being involved in Native American culture, specifically Cree cultured communities, of his heritage.
One night, when I was sick, earlier this month, I had an experience with him (not the first) where he came to me. I know, it sounds heebie jeebie, but it was so. And, yes, it could have been one of the hallucinations I had because my blood pressure was so low and part of that can be hallucinations. But,, as I said, such has happened before, and this was the first time I even thought of him in the 2000’s. First, I found an object that was tied to our relationship, just sitting where it should never have been nor a part of my life, here, at all. A couple of days later, in the night, I was aware of dreaming (???) of one of the songs he wrote for me. (I have no recordings of his songs but do have some cultural art he did and some artifacts and ceremonial things that belonged to us). But what I found was a sacred thing. Then, during one of forays on YouTube, for music to listen to while I did my art (I use headphones), I could not believe my ears. The second thing was a recording of him singing for a radio station. One written for me. I discovered three songs when I moved to research it further. It could be that YouTube, in finding things I might relate to, used my last name and brought these songs up. I was stunned silent. The third thing that happened was waking, or partially waking, or dreaming about him coming to me, (He did not appear to me, but I was aware of his presence) all healthy and speaking in sacred ways, (and by speaking, I mean speaking without words) about sacred parts of our life together during those years. His message to me was personal and typical, but about where he was in this new lifetime of his. It was a beautiful few minutes full of positive soul things. It was powerful. It was affirming. When he passed, his sister had let me know. When he passed, she let me know. I felt strange, being a widow. I had widow’s benefits that I refused to take. I do not often talk about him, in fact, a best friend I had since I had cut all ties with him asked me why I never talked about him since we share so much of our lives and past. I did not have an answer for her. After she had said that, I took some time to wonder and I came to understand why.
Many of us, divorced, might go on to find another relationship. Mine was him. I knew passion with him, in every way. Ours was a sacred relationship. Ours was a wounding relationship. He continued to love me, he would say through the years. I knew I had greatly loved who he was when he was clean. If I did not have children, I might have had an ongoing relationship with him, but I told him, right from the start, that my kids had to come first. We tried, each in our own way, and failed. Each time he fell from grace, I sensed I did too. So did he. This song speaks to all of it.
©Carol Desjarlais 2.22.22
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