Ambient Abuse (Gaslighting)

“It is much safer to be feared than loved." - Niccolò Machiavelli

“Gaslighting” is clinically defined as “intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is deliberately presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and/or perception of an event or events.

There are so many levels of the Me Too movement.  We often focus on one things, but abuse is so many things; a whole spectrum of things.  One that we are only just beginning to talk about is "Ambient" abuse.  It is a sneaky way of control through proxy.  In other words, it is a subtle kind of abuse, sometimes, where a bully/abuser uses someone else to do the bullying, or to compound the manipulation.  

To identify an Ambient abuser, it is so subtle that it is like a slow leak in a tire and it takes some time to figure out that you have been a victim until it is too late to stop it.  A A (Ambient Abuser) will use little ways and means to show they doubt you, they demean you little by little.  They find ways to dig at your soulful foundation and do so in every quadrant of your life; physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.  Little by little, the victim loses his/her sense of self-esteem and self-worth.  It causes a heavier and heavier sense of doom and gloom, and an inner sense of needing someone to rescue them... and there... just there, is the AA, to coddle and gift and show compassion and care.  And, in those moments, the greatest self-doubt is bred.  A victim mentality sucks into any bit of kindness or care (however deceitful and loaded with hidden agendas) and makes himself/herself even more vulnerable to the AA. 

It has come to my attention that we have adult women who band together to victimize another.  AA's tend to draw other AAs to themselves, because nasty attracts nasty, and they will gather together with other AAs in order to cause turmoil, hurt, and abuse, on a chosen victim.  The main AA, will gather others (sometimes, unwitting participants) into their fold and USE that person (s) to abuse others in their stead.  The primary AA thinks they can never be blamed because they have underlings who look guilty, not him/her. 

This kind of abuse is not easily recognized until you key in that something/someone is determined/actively trying to make you a victim through such.  The term "frienemy" come to mind?  This type of person is the kind of AA/gaslighter we have simply reacted to or put up with.  It can even be a family member.  An AA always has their own power and self-interest at heart.  They will build up a "gang" of however many they can suck in, to turn on their purposed victim. Of course, they will vehemently deny they were the ones who started it all and by using multiple helpers, they muddy the dirty water so that it is difficult for a victim to know, exactly WHO began it all.  They will, typically, chose someone else to deliver all their nasty messages.  If it even becomes clear that they are the one, they will always, always, blame someone else, especially the victim.  They, if caught 

(and it is difficult to, as I said), they will either say that the victim is simply making a big deal out of nothing, will say they were merely giving advice, will minimize how very much they have hurt their victim. They will use shame to have the victim afraid to confront them ever again.  They will progress with the level of gossip in order to hurt and control victim.  They will become more and more vicious and persistent in abusing their victim.  They want to isolate their target as much as possible, and will stop at nothing short of personal attacks in front of others to make sure they hurt their victim badly in every way it can.  Hurt people hurt people, yet, there is absolutely no excuse.  It is psychopathic.  They hide behind others.  They exploit others.  There is constant drama around them. They think they can do this without pay-back, without karma biting them back, with the victim's silence and acceptance.  

If any of us is aware of others trying to gain your entrance into gas lighting, stop it and stop it right there where you stand.  The victim can feel so powerless that he/she cannot stop it themselves.  We, the others, must call out AAs.  To not do so makes us complicit in the abuse.  

I am here.  I am watching.  I know who are like this and I will call you out if you are abusing someone else.  I have even done it online.  Do not think for a moment I will let you hurt someone I care about.

All of us need to o band together to empower and support each of our sister-friends.  Do not allow anyone to bully you into joining in; it makes you a bully too.  

©Carol Desjarlais 11.3.18