It
is full moon and the toxins are rising..and I have an angry, heartbroken,
daughter.
It
is easy to say we walk away from toxic people, but, once they get their hooks
in you, it is difficult to withdraw, especially if they are family and were/are
best friends. Family can be the hardest
hook of all. It becomes all the more
complicated because family is intimate and we tend to give second chances to
them. It, also, becomes a net where
everyone in the family gets dragged into the complications. It, as I said, is very complicated and full
of a great many family hidden things.
How do we deal with it?
First
of all, it is not ALL about you. It is
difficult, but try not to take their sickness to heart. With family, you will feel both responsible
and attacked at the same time ( think abusive relationships). Try to get to your own understanding of why
that family member is the way he/she is.
If you look deep enough, you will understand his/her anger and hurt that
he/she projects on to you. You will feel guilty for walking away, but,
sometimes they give you no other choice.
Stand your ground for your own sanity.
Then, simply turn away and try not to interact with them any more than
absolutely necessary. Keep in mind, this
business affects everyone in the family.
The family knows him/her as well as you do. Show them you really are above all this.
Secondly,
do not try to fix things for this person.
After so many tries, you come to realize that they are who they are and
most people come to know them for who they are for their whole lives will
project their hurt and anger and will have been benefactor of their toxicity/
meanness. They need to fix themselves
and, perhaps, they are not ready to accept their own truths. Leave that to that person and his/her own
path to healing. Sometimes you just have
to say to yourself that that person is who he/she always has been and accept
that they choose not to be in your life.
Perhaps they are so toxic that they cannot change. Expect nothing less from them.
Do
not allow them in your space if history repeats itself over and over. I remember telling my kids that we could talk
about anything except their father or religion, otherwise, it is all fair to
talk about. I simply could not be hurt
by him and that religion ever again.
Deflect topics that would drag you into their drama or simply carry a
mantra ready to use (Not your business!
Not my business...not my circus, not my monkey!" Some topics need to be off the table. To do otherwise is to be attacked, to be
dragged in, to be emotionally hurt by them ...much to their delight.
If
you are being told things by others, about the toxic person or about what they
might be saying, keep yourself from flight or fright lizard brain
reactions. Try to keep from feeling
defensive. (As a mother, this is wicked
hard, for we are used to standing up for our own truths). Try not to feel a loser or a winner. Simply stand your ground and speak your
truth. Remember, you are most important
to yourself. Be that!
You
need not bend over backwards to fix things nor do you want to fix things for
others. Fix things for yourself in toxic
relationships. Your well-being means
that you have risen above family conflicts.
Be that! Set boundaries around
this person. No one is entitled to your
peace of mind and your truths, unless you invite them in. Know who to invite. Realize that you are not the only one they try
to drag in. Refuse to be confronted, to be
challenged, to be incited, to be aggravated by such toxin. Surround yourself with those who are your
supporters, who you love and who loves you so much that they are a place you go
to for compassion and understanding, love and a peaceful place to fall when
toxins surround you. Do not look for loyalty, look for the love that has proven
itself. And, if you are hurt, find a
place to go for relief, to that place where you know your own truths and are at
peace with that. Let them not make you
bitter or wounded. They are hurt people
who hurt people. Know that and be a
peace. Rise, my dearest, rise!
©Carol Desjarlais 10.27.18
No truer words were ever spoken, my friend. I truly needed this today, thank you.
ReplyDeleteTime is the only true answer. Hurt people , hurt people. When the old saying comes up. you can count them on one hand, some come some go. but family is supposed to be forever, how very sad is a betrayal from forever .
ReplyDelete