Winter of Life Has Come

My falling hair, my roughening skin, my snowy crown, testify that my Winter has come... - Petrarch 1366-1367

Seriously, suddenly everything goes wrong.  They got the cancer in the bowel that was inhabiting two areas (through resection, it is good;  retesting in three months).

But, through the last few months been dealing with dizziness, high bp and chest pain, and diving into the river to retrieve daughter's fishhook was not a good idea.  It started off something new and wonderful.. not!!  Now, nitro sits in my purse waiting for the inevitable.  Atherosclerosis:  a lovely diagnoses.  And, because my bp was so high for so long, now I have diabetes.  Perfect.  

So, now, for real, I must figure ut how to not do such heavy physical things like carry groceries by the armfuls into the house, as I am wont to do.  And, to take bp twice a day.  And, to deal with stress.

Honest to God, I have been trying to deal with stress all my life.  Just when I get one thing handled, Boom, another thing.  

A quick research into hardening of the arteries in the chest area is a little daunting, but, also, not even something I can reverse.  I can slow it down, but not repair.  My bp can go from 199/99 down to 60/44 and it is a wild ride when it does.  I can easily go from clarity to confusion.  Yeah lifestyle changes.  

I am grateful to be back to doing most normal things I do.  I can art for relaxation.  I can stop watching any T-Rumpet news on any station.  I have a new sewing machine and I can learn to play with that.  I can continue to live one day at a time.  I am on medication that really really makes a difference.  Angioplasty and/or surgery in the future... but whatever... aging sucks.. truly sucks.

I have no fear of death, let it be said.  I would be grateful to just get this all over with.  I am in a good place in life.  I figure I am living a good life and have had a wonderful life full of not wonder and full of awesome.  I am not suicidal; I am, as many are, simply waiting this out.

Some grace and dignity is needed:  Some learning to not do too much too fast, (As if!) and try to walk away from anything that causes me stress.  I am not hurrying this.  I am simply one foot in front of the other til I can't.  Yes, I guess life is just that at this stage.

©Carol Desjarlais 10.17.18