No Kicking and Screaming Here

Do not go gentle into that good night - Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there

on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

All of us have our reasons for continuing to go on when many would rather rest.  See, some of us just have to keep going because, if we did not, what would we do?  I find that 'nothing to do' eats away at me and I am not happy, I am restless, I am wont to worry and fuss.  If I keep to a schedule of some kind, then I feel like I am progressing to whatever it is that I am headed.

As well, I am not willing to live a life of quiet desperation, either.  We have to, still, be here for some reason.  We must remain alive because of some reason.  Life has held us and continues to hold us.  It is not for us to make the decisions at that level.  We plod on.  We stop.  We rest.  We carry on.  I think we should have done all our warrioring with windmills by the time we do not have the energy to do so.  Our engines were not meant for revving all of the time.  I hope we have not been on a speedway too long.  My heart is verging on seizing.

I am becoming aware that I need rest stops on this journey; Never more so than now.  I think I have missed many things by not being aware and present.  I get Being Present, now.  I need to be more aware of what is going on directly in front, below, beside and around.  And, most important, Within.  It is no longer, what can life offer me?  What does life owe me?  What can life help me get?    I am pretty sure I need to focus on what can I offer, what can I make up for, give out.  This life has never been about me.  It has been about the microbe I am in the biggest of things.  I have filled what obligations I had to the world.  I have already left my legacy.  This is it.  This is me.  I ought to be grateful rather than grasping for some illusive thing I think I did not get.  I need to slough off the old dead skin of memememememe and simply turn towards the spiritual segment of my personal medicine wheel.  As we age, into our Croneship, we still have obligations. 

In olden times, it was to be the wisdom keeper.  Today it is more about the kinskeeper, the memory keeper.  Our minds should not be burdened with the physical, intellectual, emotional arenas.  Yes, we must become more aware of so many things; especially our physical self.  I think our diligence to being beautiful for others, being intelligent for others, being caught in emotional dramas, is not for us.  Our soul needs a great deal of work, now, as that is what we will take with us.  I, for one, am tired of the burdens and am gratefully, going to loosen those things.  I am tired of being beholden and burdened by what I thought life was all about.  Perhaps once it was, now, not so much.  If I am going to go out happy, settled, calm, comfortably and lovely, dignified and gracefully, then I best learn to be at peace with myself.  Others do not count in this.  It is our soul, not anyone else's.  We are no longer here to please others.  Life is giving us a ticket to ride the rest of the way.  We are now allowed to take the time we have (no more boredom, no more rush) and develop our inner being.  We get to get off, and out of, the rat race.  We get to see develop an intimate relationship with Self.  No longer do we need life to entertain us, to fill our voids, to always be just beyond our grasp.  It is already here and life is flowing from within. 

Yes, there is a winding down.  Our body may not be able to take us where we thought wanted to be.  Our stories are our wisdom, we can share them.  Our emotions can be as they have always been, or we can accept that there will always be things we want(ed) and were not for us to have.  But, oh, our soul.  How have we neglected it in the balance of all things.  I have lots of work to do.  I can learn to turn down, absolutely, anything that does not fit my soul.  There should be no struggle there.  It can be a simple closing the door to those things that brought us sinking sand, toss and turmoil, and emotional drama.  It is over.  I refuse to accept it any more.  I am here for me now... just for me.  If you chance to meet me on the road and I walk with you awhile, it is because you fit my soul.  If I do not.  It means the other.  

I am thankful for the gleaning of those who do not fill and feed my soul. I am desperately grateful for those that do. My rage will be a quiet kind of rage.. and not a negative rage.. I shall not go kicking and screaming...,

©Carol Desjarlais 10/14/18